Monday Melee

Hokay.
Fracas Monday Melee time.
I enjoyed my single artist lyric melee so much last Monday that I've decided to narrow it even further and do a single album melee.

In case any Joni Mitchell fans are wondering if the new album's any good after all those years of tetchy "retirement," I'll do today's melee purely from Shine.
It may not be "Blue," but it's her best album for twenty-five years.

1: The Misanthropic.
(Name something - about humanity - you absolutely hate).

"Holy war
Genocide
Suicide
Hate and cruelty...
How can this be holy?
If I had a heart I'd cry."

"If I Had A Heart" from Shine - Joni Mitchell


2: The Meretricious:
(Expose someone or something that's phony, fraudulent or bogus).

"Strong and wrong
What is God's will?
Onward Christian soldiers...
Or thou shall not kill?
Men love war!
Is that what God is for?
Just a rabbit's foot?
Just a lucky paw
For shock and awe?
Shock and awe!"

"Strong And Wrong" from Shine - Joni Mitchell


3: The Malcontent:
(Name something you're unhappy with).

"Let your little light shine
Shine on good humor
Shine on good will
Shine on lousy leadership
Licensed to kill
Shine on dying soldiers
In patriotic pain
Shine on mass destruction
In some God's name!"

"Shine" from Shine - Joni Mitchell


4: The Meritorious.
(Give someone credit for something and name it if you can).

"So they paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel
A boutique
And a swinging night spot.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They paved paradise
Put up a parking lot."

"Big Yellow Taxi 2007" from Shine - Joni Mitchell

I'm giving credit to Joni for forty years of beautiful songs and protest against all things shite.


5: The Mirror.
(See something good about yourself and name it).

"Strong and wrong
You lose everything
Without the heart
You need
To hear a robin sing
Where have all the songbirds gone?
Gone!
All I hear are crows in flight
Singing might is right
Might is right!"

"Strong And Wrong" from Shine - Joni Mitchell

I've spent my whole adult life as a bolshie Marxist awkward bastard; fighting the "might is right" brigade.
And I feel pretty good about that.


6: The Make-Believe:
(Name something you wish for).

"Sparkle on the ocean
Eagle at the top of a tree
Those crazy crows always making a commotion
This land is home to me.

I was talking to my neighbor
He said, "When I get to heaven, if it is not like this,
I'll just hop a cloud and I'm coming right back down here
Back to this heavenly bliss.""

"This Place" from Shine - Joni Mitchell

Next week? Who knows.

Jolly Rugger

Hoorah for the northern hemisphere!
First up, after all the Aussie taunting at our crap rugby team (remember, guys, WE are still the world champions), Australia 10 - England 12.

I'll just say that again as it feels so sweet rolling it around my mouth:
AUSTRALIA 10 - ENGLAND 12.

hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee …

And much as this country loves New Zealand and hates the accursed French, we were all cheering the underdog last night as we get to play the winner in the World Cup semi-finals next weekend and we know we can beat France but the Kiwis are another story.
And those lovely Frogs unbelievably beat the favourites after unblinkingly facing them down at the Haka.
New Zealand 18 - France 20!

Yee - fucking - haaaaaaaaa !!!

Apologies to my lovely Aussie blogpals, but I've been forced to suffer weeks of taunting from our Australian and New Zealand contingent at work and Monday morning is PAYBACK TIME!
Or it may be Tuesday as I have a feeling that most of them will call in sick on Monday.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, because it needs saying:
Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee !!!!!

Binge Drinking Babies

Start 'em young, I say …

People wonder why this country has a problem with underage binge-drinking.

Well, pop along to your local Boots and check out their "baby food" section.
Bucks fizz, scotch whiskies, Bailey's and Stella for the little ones, and all at three for the price of two!
The side aisles were chock full of ciggies, prescription drugs and condoms.

Uncle Dive says:

Hey, kids!

Swearing, smoking, drinking, drugs, sleeping around …

If your parents do it then you can do it too.

Don't get left behind.

Start now!

Oh, and talking of babies (or at least annoyingly young people):

Happy Birthday, Vic!

Yaaaay! Drink Sydney dry tonight, Groover!

Old Folks

Moan, moan, moan.
That's all us old folks ever seem to do.
And now we (or at least three of us) are officially old folk.

I was just over at Scout's place and was startled to discover that it was a year ago today that she and Sassy first got together.
Yikes!
Prompted to check back in my own dusty and slightly foxed archives I find that Sassy first invaded the Small Glass Planet on the third of October last year, followed almost immediately by Robyn.
Our original little gang of two cuties and one saggy old whopperjaw is a year old.
I'm quite choked with emotion.
We looked so young back then …

Happy Birthday, Blogville.
Sigh …

Duh

It's Friday and I'm stinkingly busy today, so here's a quick no-brainer (yes, another one … I know, I know … One day I'll kick my fat ass into gear and actually write something).

This is one that our Scout posted a couple of days back.
Apparently it's some game called Scattergories …
I hate it when a twatty manufacturer with no ideas if its own takes a game you can play with a piece of paper and a pen and sticks it in a box and charges people money for it.
This is one of those.

We play a dirtier version of it at work.
Using a piece of paper and a pen.
I've filled in Robyn's and added a few of the cleaner categories from our office version at the end.
By the way, we call it "girl's name/boy's name".
Duh …
And we don't charge money for it.

If you have no brain today, fill it in. Use the first letter of your name (or any other letter you fancy; it doesn't bother me).

1. Famous Singer/Band: Deanna Durbin (2 points)

2. 4 letter word: Dodo

3. Street: Downing Street

4. Color: Damask

5. Gifts/Presents: Dirndl (Crap present, I know, but that's all you're getting so shut up and play with it).

6. Vehicle: Daimler Dart (2 points)

7. Things in a Souvenir Shop: Devon fudge (How come you can buy Devon fucking fudge in every single tourist tat shop on the planet)?

8. Boy Name: Dilbert

9. Girl Name: Dede

10. Movie Title: Donnie Darko (2 points)

11. Drink: Drambuie

12. Occupation: Dustman

13. Celebrity: Dom De Luise (2 points)

14. Magazine: Dirty-Pillows (I dunno? I can't reach the top shelf but there's probably one called that).

15. U.S. City: Detroit

16. Pro Sports Teams: I have no idea what US sports teams are called (other than the Cornhuskers and the Indians and the Cubs, thanks to Maria and Scout). But as they don't begin with "D" I'll say the Detroit Something-or-Others.

18. Reason for Being Late for Work: Dead person splattered all over the bottom of my train … again.

19. Something You Throw Away: Dirty Dishcloths (2 points)

20. Things You Shout: DAMMIT!

21. Cartoon Character: Daffy Duck (2 slightly unhinged points)

22. Author: Dickens

22. Book Title: David Copperfield

23. Composer: Dvorak

24. River: Dee

25. Country: Denmark

26. Vegetable: Dulse

27. Fruit: Damson

28. Flower: Dandelion

29 Body part: Duodenum

30 Rude body part: Dick

31. Disease: Dengue Fever

32. Bodily function: Diarrhoea

33. Expletive: Dagnabbit!!!

I win.
Can I go home now?

Fuck! It's Autumn!

The leaves haven't yet started to transform the local countryside into a riot of reds and yellows, but I just got home from a meeting to find this outside my garage.

'Tis the season for garden spiders to go apeshit with web spinning.
This'll freak Robyn out for which I apologise. Hee hee …
Sigh …
Another week or so and I'll have to put the heating on.
Hey ho.
Roll on Spring.


Also in Autumn news, next Tuesday brings the fortieth anniversary of the murder by the CIA of Ernesto "Che" Guevara.
I won't be doing a boring rant as that will only wind up some of my American blogpals.
I'll be celebrating Che's life in my own way.
But if anyone wants to read about him and why he still matters, here's a nice little piece from Socialist Youth.

And here's Fat Old Dive playing at a gig on the fiftieth anniversary of the start of the Cuban Revolution last year.

By the way, if you're going to wear a Che teeshirt, at least have the decency to buy it from the Cuba Solidarity Campaign, so that your money goes to help the Revolution rather than to some fucking fashion house.

And don't go telling me I'm "too old" to wear a Che teeshirt. You're too fucking young!

¡Viva Che!

¡Hasta la Victoria Siempre!

Fat Bastard

Before we start, I just want the Oxford English Dictionary people to know that I lay claim to the word "Gojirabilia" (noun … Gojira memorabilia … see the last lot of comments).
That'll mean I get two new words in the next edition. I got "Knudsenesque," too.
Stop looking at me like that. It's a long standing ambition, okay?

Hokay … confession time.

I was on the phone to my lovely girlfriend yesterday.
That's not the confession.
I've got an old retro phone, not one of these jobbies that you can wander round the house with and lose. Mine's attached to the wall with an umbilical.
I like the old fashioned seventies phones because they come with a "MUTE" switch for the ringer and my commuting routine means I need to be asleep by nine in the evening and any fucker calls after that and wakes me up is gonna die!

So anyhoo. We were chatting away and mooning like a couple of teenagers and the phone was sitting on my lap.
Here's the confession bit:
I leaned forward to grab my glass of wine and my FAT GUT squished down on the phone and hit the redial button!

And yes, I fessed up.
Hey ho.
As if I don't do enough bloody sit-ups as it is …

Seven Diddly Sins

Groover came up with this one a few days ago.
I know you're sick of memes but I couldn't give a toss.
And at least this one has a theme to it.
Sort of …

Deadly Sin numero uno: WRATH

With whom did you last get angry?
General Tan Shwe. What a fucking twat!

What is your weapon of choice?
Sarcasm. And I'm the bitch from Hell, so don't try it.
I get sick of weak-brained whingers who say "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."
Twats!
They simply don't have the wit for sarcasm.

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
"Hit on," yes, but "Hit"? Never.

How about the same sex?
Lots.
To date - other than general contusions, I've broken one nose (sorry, Glen but you asked for that), two wrists, and an assortment of ribs. Fortunately all on other people. And all in self defence. I prefer to walk away, so if you insist on going to hospital it's your own damned fault.

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Nobody could possibly get angry with me. I'm way too cute.

What is your pet peeve?
Evangelical Christian fuckwits.

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I'll forgive you when I'm dead. Until then, stay the fuck away from me.


Next up: SLOTH (the sin, not the lazy-assed hairy thing that lives in trees)

What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
I was supposed to do something?
I've not yet jerked off today. But hey, it's early yet.

What is the latest you've ever woken up?
In my youth, six in the evening was not unusual. These days, because of my commute, my body clock wakes me at 4:39AM, a few seconds before my alarms go off.

Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Jesus.

What is the last lame excuse that you made?
Lame? LAME? My excuses are masterpieces of creative genius.

Actually, the last excuse I made was the absolute truth … it just sounded like an excuse:
I popped in to see the lovely Doctor Amanda last week to pick up a new form to take to the hospital for my regular chest X-ray.
She said "Didn't I give you one of those already?"
To which I could only (and truthfully) reply: I had some friends over the other week and their kid had been playing in the dirt so they asked if the little tyke could have a quick bath.
"Sure", I said and made a quick run into the village shop for some milk (I don't usually keep any in the house but when tea drinkers turn up unexpectedly …).
When I got back, they were all outside on the lawn, happily playing, so I walked into the kitchen to find they had turned on the bath taps and forgotten about them.
The bathroom was flooded and so was the kitchen underneath.
I quickly switched off the electricity as the light fittings were fizzing and shorting, then grabbed a mop and bucket.
The first thing they knew about it was when I carried the ruined and dripping bathroom carpet outside and dumped it on the driveway. They were somewhat mortified, but I was too busy with damage limitation to get angry with them.
Anyhoo, my X-ray form had been in the letter rack in the kitchen and was now a squishy lump with some smears on that might once have been writing. Hence the excuse.

I used to have a rule before I went soft: "No Kids, Dogs or Smokers in the house".
That rule is now reinstated, though I should probably add "No Fucking Stupid Parents", too.
It took two weeks to get rid of the stink of damp "stuff between the floorboards". Plus all the redecorating and new carpets.

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Not knowingly. What the fuck is an infomercial?

How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?
My alarm clocks don't have snooze buttons. There are two of the spiteful little bastards and they lurk in the far corners of my bedroom so that when they go off at 4:40AM every weekday morning I have to get out of bed to shut them up.


Aha! A personal favourite: GLUTTONY

What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Shizuoka sen-cha. The real deal. See yesterday's post.

Are you a meat eater?
Nope. I was veggie for decades before it all ended in tears one mad night in a sushi bar.
I'll cook meat for carnivorous visitors, but only good, local organic meat. I'll occasionally eat it to be polite, but not through choice. Seafood I am totally addicted to.

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting?
There's no way I could possibly answer that as I would have had no recollection of it the next day. The closest I can get is "a lot". A fucking lot!

Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?
If I'm sitting in a nice chair, yes.
I eat and drink what the hell I like.

Do you enjoy candy and sweets?
Only Green and Black's organic chocolate.
And occasionally those dark chocolate coated coffee beans you get in coffee shops. Addictive little bastards, those.

Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?
Spicy. No contest. I'm a chili-eating demon!

Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?
I am so totally with Vic on this one. I tend to think "DIE, you little fucker!"
Small children are only good for one thing. To find out what that is you'll need to rummage in my very first month's posts.
Small yappy-type lap dogs have no discernible use whatsoever, except perhaps to give me a good laugh at their owners' expression when I tread on the little fuckers (it was an accident! Honest!) … though terriers are exempt from treading as they make me giggle.
Cats are groovy.
Fish are delicious.
Hamsters and gerbils are only fun if you have the cardboard tube from the inside of a toilet roll and Richard Gere to hand.

Another doozy: GREED

How many credit cards do you own?
None.

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Wait until the dollar/pound exchange rate gets back to normal, then buy sterling.
At the moment, a million dollars would buy around one and a half peanuts in England.
When George stops fucking his economy with warmongering perhaps we can have a bit of sanity again.

Would you rather be rich or famous?
Rich. He's a handsome chap.
Nobody in their right mind would want to be famous. Just look at all the Z-List "celebrities" out there and count their brain cells.

Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?
No way. The one important thing I've learned in forty-eight years is how lucky I am to be doing a job I love. Of course, the fact that it pays ludicrously well is no hardship.


Look out, here comes : PRIDE

What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?
I'm not telling you that. I could get into a lot of trouble.

What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
They loved my music. Mum still does.

What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?
Dying would be nice.
A messy, comedy death that people can have a good giggle at.

Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
I always win. What a fucking stupid question.

Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Every time.

Have you ever cheated to get a better score?
No. I never play anything I'm not going to win. Duh!

What did you do today that you're proud of?
Lived through this much of it.


Ah. Inevitably we must touch (quiveringly) on: LUST

How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?
Shee-it! Too many!
Probably the worst was on a beach in Portugal. I was laying there with some friends, chatting and eating when a fat, ugly, elderly German couple came and plonked their disgusting naked bodies right in front of us and the woman lay down and opened her legs.
I couldn't eat for days.

How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?
If I'm allowed band and theatre dressing rooms or beaches, then probably hundreds. If not, then God only knows. I like being naked.

Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?
Of course I have. All the time!

What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
Neck and shoulders.

Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?
No. It's hard enough to persuade just one person to let me touch 'em without pressing charges.
Unless of course communal penis and boob sculpture sessions and chocolate starfish and camel toe contests in band dressing rooms counts. When you've spent several hours a night locked in a tiny room with the same people over a period of years it is startling what diversions you can come up with.
Some of that exists on video but no fucking way is it going on to YouTube.

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Many times. My old car park was in a red light district.
And way back in the early eighties, my band used to rehearse in a building at the end of King Street in Norwich. We got really chummy with a bunch of the working girls who used to congregate there. They were great fun and lovely people.
It's a crap way to earn a crust though, so I've never indulged; I like the girls too much.


And bringing up the rear: ENVY

What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
That's easy: Mikey's rubber Gojira.

Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
I have no idea what that is.

If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?
Mrs. Trellis of North Wales (only Lynn and Phil will appreciate that one).

Have you ever been cheated on?
Nope. Rejected and humiliated, sure, but not cheated on. At least so they've claimed.

Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
I wish my body hadn't grown old. Other than that; no.

What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
None. The whole world sucks ass except me and my girl …
Oh, and you lot, too.


What deadly sin...
Do you do the most often? Gluttony. I'm a fat hog.

Do you do the least often? Wrath. I'm a pussy-cat.

Is your favorite to act on? What kind of fucking stupid question is that? DUH!

Tuesday Crapfest

This is rapidly turning into "meme-haters' hell week".
First the Monday Melee, now this, and there's another one tomorrow.
Maria has a great talent for tracking down good memes and I can never resist the little buggers.
This is one of her's.

Name: Dive. Two of you know why.

Born: November 13, 1958.

Current Status: Fat, ugly, balding, middle-aged and living alone. But my heart, body, mind, soul, "boys' parts", bad shirts and miscellaneous gristly and icky bits of innards belong to my girlfriend.

Eye color: Grey, turning blue in sunlight (apparently). Red on Friday nights after a week of commuting.

Hair color: Used to be blonde when I was young and cute (you've seen the photographs); now it's just "ish". Though I'm really chuffed I've not got any grey yet. I'm about to hit forty-nine, so I'm kind of impressed with that.

My heritage: English; from printing and farming stock. Genetically Saxon, so probably inbred as we've been living in the same few villages for the past 1500 years since we invaded from Germany.

My fear: America will fuck up the world … er … hang on … that's already happened.
Okay, what else can I be scared of?
I don't know, but if it turns out there's an afterlife after all my ranting against such toss, then I'm going to be fucking embarrassed.

My weaknesses: Weaknesses? MOI?

My perfect pizza: There is only one pizza: tomato, basil and mozzarella.
Anybody who puts anything else on top of a pizza base is committing a crime against decency. When you die, hordes of big fat Italian Mamas dressed in black will beat your filthy, perverted soul with shitty sticks for all eternity.

My thoughts on first waking up: AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHHH! It's four-forty in the fucking morning and two alarm clocks are shrieking at me from the far corners of the bedroom. I have half an hour to be showered, dressed and out of the house for my three-and-a-half hour journey to work. Kill me now!

My bedtime: Collapse into bed almost as soon as I get home and try to be asleep as soon after nine as possible.

My most missed memory: I can't remember. If I could remember it, it wouldn't be missed, would it?

Pepsi or Coke: Gack! Neither! Why would any sane person put that shit in their mouths?

Single or group dates: The only dates I've ever had are the ones off palm trees. Stupid fucking question.

Adidas or Nike: Converse All Stars.

Tea or Nestea: What the fuck's "Nestea"? I drink green tea. The real stuff from Shizuoka. Proper sen-cha; not that industrial grade ban-cha crap you get in shops.

Chocolate or vanilla: Green and Black's Organic Maya Gold. Though their vanilla white chocolate is more addictive than crack.

Cappuccino or coffee: Organic fairtrade skinny latte with an extra shot first thing, then organic fairtrade espresso for the rest of the day.
We have a Brazilian deli across the street from the office. Their coffee is sublime.
At home I drink Cuban … Real Cuban, bought through the Cuba Solidarity Campaign so the money goes direct to Cuban farmers and says "Fuck you!" to the US (see Marxist Shopping in my sidebar).

Do you...
Smoke: Never have done. At least not tobacco. A fair few Camberwell Carrots, though.

Curse: What me? Never! Fuck off!

Take a shower: Every morning at some obscene hour before five o'clock. Sometimes at the office, too. The commute stinks.

Have a crush: I did. Now it's turned big-time serious.

Think you have been in love: Nope. I know it.

Go to school: I design girls' schools for a living so I see rather too much school for my own sanity. On top of that, on Thursday evenings I have Japanese lessons.

Want to get married: Yes, actually. Odd but true.

Believe in yourself: I'm the only thing I believe in. The rest of you are a figment of my twisted and occasionally surprising imagination.

Think you're a health freak? No. I'm a great cook and I eat fresh organic food. It's the twats who eat pre-prepared crap or junk food who are the freaks. How did eating real food get to be "freaky"? Preparing and cooking real food is a sensual pleasure almost as good as eating it. I'm proud to say I've never eaten a Mc.D or a KFC or a Pizza Hut or any of that other shitty shit and I never will. Don't get me started.

Have you:
Drank alcohol? It's my mission in life.

Gone to the mall? On rainy days when I'm feeling lonesome I'll mallrat (it's a verb if I say it's a verb). It can be fun. You get to drink a lot of coffee with different friends as they drift through and you can watch pretty girls (or in the case of the malls I use: fat, ugly bottle-blonde tarts with hordes of screaming kids hanging off them).

Been on stage? All my life. Other than festivals (which don't really count), the biggest crowd I've ever played to was a little over twenty-five thousand. Walking out on stage, sticking an immaculate hand-tooled boot up on the monitors, gazing out over a whole town's worth of people, cranking up my Les Paul and watching 'em go apeshit is one of the sweeter moments of my life. Phil was there, too for that one, playing bass.
Sigh … Lost youth … Hey, but at least we did it!

Eaten sushi? All the time. Whalemeat, too (OW! Sorry, Kate).

Dyed your hair? Nope. Though I shaved it all off once. And then let it grow half way down my back so I had a ponytail and a goatee (how sad was that!!!).

Have you ever:
Played a stripping game? Not since college.

Played a drinking game? I often start watching "Withnail and I" with a roomful of booze, but I've never even got as far as the cottage without giving up.

Changed who you were to fit in? Bollocks to that. The world can change to suit me or it can fuck off.

Done something your kids will never know about? So many things that I almost wish I had kids so I could embarrass the little buggers.

Age you are hoping to:
Get married: Hey! We did this one earlier. Who writes these things? Yes. I am hoping to marry my girlfriend.

Take your dream vacation: Someday before I die.

In a girl or a guy (whatever)
Best eye color: Brown. The darker the better.

Best hair color: Dark every time. Blondes can go play with gentlemen. Bottle-blondes can stand in the corner while we all point and laugh. Redheads are okay but never breed with 'em in case you get a ginger boy.

Short hair or long hair? No preference. I love hair that likes to party; that does everything that it shouldn't. Defiant, crazy nutjob hair with attitude.

Best attitude: Feisty. I love a girl who can throw a good strop, then come to bed and tear the plaster off the walls.

What were you doing....
A minute ago? Typing this stupid meme and drinking coffee.

An hour ago? Designing a new sixth form centre for a girls' school in the midlands.

A month ago? I can't remember that far back. Probably ranting about something.

A year ago? Having a serious crush on someone without knowing that they felt the same way about me. What a couple of dorks.

Finish the sentences:
I love: Pink leather mariachi trousers. What kind of stupid question is that?

I feel: Every one of the forty-eight years I've been stumbling around this crappy planet.

I hate: Waking up with a screaming headache and nausea when I've not drunk anything the night before. Boy, that really fucking sucks!

I hide: All my old Love and Rockets and underground comics in a spare bedroom and keep all my classics and intellectual books where people can see them.

I miss: The Cold War, reading a Peanuts cartoon I've not read before, being on stage, my taut young body, hearing Miles Davis' "Kind Of Blue" for the very first time, and my Dad.

I need: a good kick up the arse.

Thanks, Maria. More memes please; the meme-haters love 'em really … hee hee.

Monday Melee

I almost didn't do a melee this morning.

I'm in mourning for the incomparable Lois Maxwell, who passed away this weekend.
I'm going home tonight to watch "You Only Live Twice" for that moment when Sean Connery ducks through the submarine hatch to find her sitting there primly with her Miss Moneypenny smile.
Okay, okay; so I'm also watching it because Wakabayashi Akiko is in it.
She's dead, too.
My two favourite Bond girls.
Sigh …
Notwithstanding her surname and her admittedly hilarious "cunning linguist" joke, Samantha Bond will never be Miss Moneypenny.
So long Lois; you will be missed by just about every middle-aged man on the planet.

Right … Back to Fracas Monday Melee.
The single artist melee - prompted by Groover's Pink Floyd Week and Robyn's astonishing and bizarre melee using only the lyrics from Oklahoma - has got me itching for more.
I'll be starting with a really simple one: David Bowie.
I could do a whole year's worth of melees from his lyrics.
This should please our Rich. I can picture him dancing down his hospital corridors, belting out Rebel Rebel.
Hennyway … As Bowie said in "Joe The Lion": "It's Monday."
So let's break open another tin of of crapola:

1: The Misanthropic.
(Name something - about humanity - you absolutely hate).

"So where's the moral,
When people have their fingers broken?
To be insulted by these fascists,
It's so degrading.
And it's no game"

"It's No Game" from Scary Monsters And Super Creeps

I mean, what the fuck is going on in Rangoon?

2: The Meretricious:
(Expose someone or something that's phony, fraudulent or bogus).

"God is an American."

"I'm Afraid Of Americans" from Earthling

3: The Malcontent:
(Name something you're unhappy with).

"Well I wouldn't buy no merchandise.
And I wouldn't go to war.
And I mixed with other colours,
But the nurse doesn't care.
And I hide under blankets,
Or did I run away?
I really can't remember,
Last time I saw the light of day.

But I remember Sam,
'cause he was like me.

Scream like a baby.
Sam was a gun.
And I never knew his last name,
And we never had no fun.

Well they came down hard on the faggots,
And they came down hard on the street.
They came down harder on Sam,
And they all knew he was beat.
He was thrown into the wagon,
Blindfolded, chains,
And they stomped on us.
And took away our clothes and things,
And pumped us full of strange drugs.
And oh I saw Sam falling,
Spitting in their eyes.
But now I lay me down to sleep,
And now I close my eyes.
Now I'm learning,
To be a part of soc-society.

No athletic program,
No discipline, no book.
He just sat in the backseat,
Swearing he'd seek revenge.
But he jumped into the furnace,
Singing old songs we loved."

"Scream Like A Baby" from Scary Monsters And Super Creeps

Extraordinary rendition my arse.

4: The Meritorious.
(Give someone credit for something and name it if you can).

"Love me, love me, love me, say you do
Let me fly away with you
For my love is like the wind, and wild is the wind
Wild is the wind
Give me more than one caress, satisfy this hungriness
Let the wind blow through your heart
For wild is the wind, wild is the wind

You touch me,
I hear the sound of mandolins
You kiss me
With your kiss my life begins
You're spring to me, all things to me
Don't you know, you're life itself!

Like the leaf clings to the tree,
Oh, my darling, cling to me
For we're like creatures of the wind, and wild is the wind
Wild is the wind"

"Wild Is The Wind" from Station To Station

Yes, you know who this one is for.

5: The Mirror.
(See something good about yourself and name it).

"It's not the side effects of the cocaine;
I'm thinking that it must be love."

"Station To Station" from Station To Station, surprisingly enough.

I put this one in so I could confess to mishearing the lyrics and thinking for several months that the first line was: "It's not the side effects of her cooking."
Mea Culpa.

6: The Make-Believe:
(Name something you wish for).

"I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be Heroes, just for one day

And you, you can be mean
And I, I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we're lovers, and that is that

Though nothing, will keep us together
We could steal time,
just for one day
We can be Heroes, for ever and ever
What d'you say?"

"Heroes" from Heroes.

Next week I might have a go at Tom Waits. I don't know. We'll see.
Anyone else fancy doing a single artist melee?