Monday, November 12, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Holy Crap; We've Not Seen One Of These In Years
I came home a while back, to do some Photoshop work (the office only has crappy PCs and I can work a whole lot quicker on my Macs with my Wacom tablet … plus it's warmer here and the coffee is much, much better).
Inevitably, however, I got sidetracked.
Those of you with better memories than me may remember the good old, pre-Facebook days of Blogville, when Maria and I would swap endless stupid memes.
Well, she posted another one.
It's about "you and your spouse."
Not having a spouse, how could I resist?
Feel free to fill in your own version. Maybe you'll learn something, like I did.
Relationship Quiz:
1) How old are you?
54 next Tuesday.
2) How often do you have a conversation with your spouse that lasts more than five minutes?
Pretty rarely. I don't have a spouse.
3) How well does your spouse participate in the running of the household?
My lack of a spouse means I have to do every bloody thing around here.
4) What would your spouse say is your favorite food?
I don't have a spouse.
5) What is the last time you ate your favorite food?
As my current favourite food is tuna sashimi, about ten minutes ago.
6) Tell us something you do that your spouse doesn't know about.
Everything. I don't have a spouse.
7) What medications are you taking?
Pills and potions to get me through this passion play … oh, no; that was Joni Mitchell. I'm just taking pills to stop my heart … er … stopping.
Oh, and coffee and alcohol to stop my pills working.
8) List three things that scare you:
1) People who believe in right-wing ideology.
2) People who believe in a god, and
3) People in general.
9) Do you believe love can last?
Only until my back gives out.
10) Are you still in love with your spouse?
I don't have a spouse.
11) Do you ever think about leaving your spouse?
I've got to think about getting one first.
12) If so, what would stop you?
Having a spouse might stop me … or than again, it might do just the opposite; I have no way of finding out.
13) List five positive things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't leave bottles of stinky stuff all over the bathroom;
2) She doesn't run screaming from the house when I have to take a dump;
3) She doesn't complain if I snore;
4) She lets me read in bed and listen to classical music;
5) She never does the stupid points-scoring thing.
Actually, I'm beginning to like not having a spouse.
14) List three negative things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't lift a finger to help around the house.
2) She doesn't cuddle.
3) She doesn't exist.
15) What is your favorite book?
That's a dumb fucking question to ask someone who lives in a library.
16) How well do you think you know your spouse?
Not well at all.
17) What did you used to do that you don't now?
Pee in my nappy. Though as I get older I expect to start that again some day.
18) Are you religious?
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
No.
19) Do you believe in God?
Absolutely not. What kind of brainless fuckwit do you take me for?
20) List your favorite part of your spouse's body when you were in your twenties.
I actually had a spouse back then. Neck and shoulders were nice.
21) List your favorite part of your spouse's body now.
The part that doesn't whine and complain.
22) Describe your first impression of your spouse.
Vacant looking.
23) Where did you go on your first date?
We've not gone there yet.
24) List some little irritations of marriage.
Hoo, boy! How many hours have you got?
25) How many credit cards do you have?
Not a single one. Nobody needs a credit card, same as nobody needs an iPad or a mobile fucking telephone. People are too thick to realise it.
26) How often do you Google yourself?
Never
27) How does your marriage compare to your parents' marriage?
I'm not married, but my parents were, right up until dad went to carouse in the Halls of Valhalla.
28) What is the last Anniversary gift you received from your spouse?
A big box of nothing.
29) Describe your spouse when you first met him/her?
Invisible … and pretty darned quiet. Which is kinda nice when I want to read.
30) What do you wish you had known/been warned about regarding marriage?
DON'T DO IT!
31) Is your spouse a good listener?
She never answers back or interrupts.
32) Have you ever been ashamed of your spouse?
She's never yet embarrassed me in public. Or indeed in private.
33) Do you and your spouse exercise together?
Nobody wants to see me nekkid and sweaty in my gym; not even an imaginary girl.
34) Is it okay for spouses to keep secrets?
Mine's kept all hers so far.
35) Does your spouse do a good job communicating his/her needs to you?
She's not a great communicator. Perhaps we need an Ouija board.
36) What do you consider flirting?
Flirting.
37) What's the last mean thing you said to your spouse?
I've never said a mean word to my non-existent spouse. I'm a nice guy.
38) What's the last mean thing that your spouse said to you?
If she says mean things I've not heard them.
39) Would your friends say that you are happily married?
No, they'd say that I'm a sad, middle-aged creepy guy who lives all alone in a ramshackle building resembling a Dickensian bookshop that crashed into an art gallery, careened off a music shop and has a bed somewhere in an upper room. I also have bats in my back yard. Little wonder women stay well away.
40) Would you say you're happily married?
No, I'm just sitting here filling in time, waiting for death and doing a meme.
41) Describe your first kiss with your spouse.
So soft I didn't notice it.
42) What do you believe should NOT be done in public?
Putting paint all over yourself and pretending to be a statue.
43) What is the worst emotional state a person can be in?
Shitfaced and maudlin and boring me to death, especially when you're my boss … yes, Emily, I mean you.
44) Do you fake things? If yes, give examples.
This entire blog. Cool huh?
45) How many times a week do you exercise?
Three times; fifty minute workouts. Plus a whole lot of walking. If farting in the bath counts as exercise I did that this morning. Sorry; octopus krasato the night before can do that to a man.
46) Finish this sentence: I feel loved and cared for when....
… next door's three cats are hungry.
47) Whose marriage do you most admire?
Morticia and Gomez Addams.
48) If your spouse gave you one free pass to have sex with another person, who would it be?
Alina Ibragimova.
49) If you gave your spouse one free pass to have sex with another person, whom would your spouse choose?
I just asked her but she didn't say.
50) Do you and your spouse find the same things funny?
I have no way of finding out, but she never laughs at my jokes.
51) What is the most memorable place that you ever had sex?
I don't recall.
52) Do you and your spouse agree how to educate your children about issues such as drug and alcohol use?
She lets me drink too much. She also lets me design schools, so if the next generation is as fucked up as I am you can blame her.
53) Do you get along with your in-laws?
Better than you could possibly imagine.
54) What is the last loving thing you said to your spouse?
If I ever get a spouse I'll think of something and let you know.
55) What's the last loving thing your spouse said to you?
She's pretty quiet with that stuff.
56) What's your favorite movie?
Currently, Doctor Strangelove.
57) How often do you quarrel with your spouse?
Never.
58) What's the sexiest book you've ever read?
The Diary of Samuel Pepys (the funniest sex scenes ever written; even more so as they are true … f'rinstance when his wife finds him with the maid on his lap, one hand down her top and the other "fingering her cunny" and he tries to talk his way out of it).
59) Describe the moment you knew your spouse was "the one."
I'll let you know if it ever happens. At the moment, she's not even "A one", let alone "THE one".
60) Describe a situation where your spouse let you down.
She's never there when I want sex. Just as well, really, as I'd probably get cramp or put my back out or have a heart attack.
61) What do you think of the current trend of couples divorcing based on the couples feeling more like roommates than lovers?
I had no idea that was a trend, and I can't really say I care.
62) When was the last time you flirted with someone other than your spouse?
This morning. The blonde woman in the bedding department at Jarrold's. But then I'm a regular customer (addicted to goosedown pillows and high thread count Egyptian cotton bedding) and we've been doing that for years, so I suppose it's more jokey than flirting.
63) What does it mean to be good?
I don't know. I've always hovered between great and amazing.
64) Write a letter to your first child saying what you can't say in person.
Hey, kid! Where the hell are you?
65) Describe something you wouldn't admit to your best friend.
My best friend sometimes needs to wash more.
66) List some things you wish you could stop doing but can't.
1) living alone;
2) finishing the bottle;
3) starting another;
4) this meme.
67) Describe a cliche of parenthood that took you by surprise.
Nothing surprises me. All children are born ugly and grow up evil. Except me. I was beautiful and now I'm a wonderful person.
68) Was your second pregnancy different than your first?
Turned out I was just fat. Again.
69) How much money would it take to be happy and does money make it easier to stay happily married?
I have no idea; I've never had enough money to even be miserable, let alone happy. If I HAD money, however, I would certainly not get married; I'd spend it on riotous living and loose weemen.
Actually, I'm too boring for that; I'd spend it on books.
70) Is marriage a dictatorship or a democracy?
Marriage is a disaster waiting (usually not long) to happen.
71) If you had to explain marriage to an alien who had just arrived on earth, what would you say?
Screw marriage! Hand over the keys to your spaceship, you little green fucker. NOW!
72) If someone asked you to share a life lesson that you learned in your 40's, what would it be?
I don't remember my forties.
73) Define passion in one sentence.
It's a kind of fruit.
74) What did you imagine falling in love would be like when you were young?
A whole lot better than it actually turned out to be.
75) Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your child/children about romance?
Steer clear of the opposite sex; steer clear of the same sex; steer clear of animals and most inanimate objects.
76) Give three reasons people should stay married.
1) Spite.
2) Imbecility.
3) As an aid to illegal immigration.
77) Give one reason people should get divorced.
1) Sanity.
78) Have you had romantic feelings in the past year for someone other than your spouse?
Not really. I seem to have lost the knack over the decades.
79) Have you had sexual fantasies in the last year about a person other than your spouse?
Far less often than perhaps I should, but then why bother?
80) Are you an advocate of gay marriage?
Absolutely; everyone should have the same right to fuck up their lives.
81) Has your life turned out the way you thought it would?
No. I thought there'd be flying cars and I'd live on the moon. Also I never thought I'd develop a taste for beetroot.
82) List three things a spouse would do that you would find unforgivable?
1) Leave the towel askew.
2) Put an open book face down on a surface.
3) Watch reality TV.
83) Write a letter to your spouse telling him/her what you can't say in person.
Dear Imaginary Girl,
Much as I'd like the occasional cuddle, I realise having filled in this meme that you're pretty groovy just the way you are.
In the words of Murph (of the Magictones): "Don't go changin'."
Inevitably, however, I got sidetracked.
Those of you with better memories than me may remember the good old, pre-Facebook days of Blogville, when Maria and I would swap endless stupid memes.
Well, she posted another one.
It's about "you and your spouse."
Not having a spouse, how could I resist?
Feel free to fill in your own version. Maybe you'll learn something, like I did.
Relationship Quiz:
1) How old are you?
54 next Tuesday.
2) How often do you have a conversation with your spouse that lasts more than five minutes?
Pretty rarely. I don't have a spouse.
3) How well does your spouse participate in the running of the household?
My lack of a spouse means I have to do every bloody thing around here.
4) What would your spouse say is your favorite food?
I don't have a spouse.
5) What is the last time you ate your favorite food?
As my current favourite food is tuna sashimi, about ten minutes ago.
6) Tell us something you do that your spouse doesn't know about.
Everything. I don't have a spouse.
7) What medications are you taking?
Pills and potions to get me through this passion play … oh, no; that was Joni Mitchell. I'm just taking pills to stop my heart … er … stopping.
Oh, and coffee and alcohol to stop my pills working.
8) List three things that scare you:
1) People who believe in right-wing ideology.
2) People who believe in a god, and
3) People in general.
9) Do you believe love can last?
Only until my back gives out.
10) Are you still in love with your spouse?
I don't have a spouse.
11) Do you ever think about leaving your spouse?
I've got to think about getting one first.
12) If so, what would stop you?
Having a spouse might stop me … or than again, it might do just the opposite; I have no way of finding out.
13) List five positive things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't leave bottles of stinky stuff all over the bathroom;
2) She doesn't run screaming from the house when I have to take a dump;
3) She doesn't complain if I snore;
4) She lets me read in bed and listen to classical music;
5) She never does the stupid points-scoring thing.
Actually, I'm beginning to like not having a spouse.
14) List three negative things about your spouse.
1) She doesn't lift a finger to help around the house.
2) She doesn't cuddle.
3) She doesn't exist.
15) What is your favorite book?
That's a dumb fucking question to ask someone who lives in a library.
16) How well do you think you know your spouse?
Not well at all.
17) What did you used to do that you don't now?
Pee in my nappy. Though as I get older I expect to start that again some day.
18) Are you religious?
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
No.
19) Do you believe in God?
Absolutely not. What kind of brainless fuckwit do you take me for?
20) List your favorite part of your spouse's body when you were in your twenties.
I actually had a spouse back then. Neck and shoulders were nice.
21) List your favorite part of your spouse's body now.
The part that doesn't whine and complain.
22) Describe your first impression of your spouse.
Vacant looking.
23) Where did you go on your first date?
We've not gone there yet.
24) List some little irritations of marriage.
Hoo, boy! How many hours have you got?
25) How many credit cards do you have?
Not a single one. Nobody needs a credit card, same as nobody needs an iPad or a mobile fucking telephone. People are too thick to realise it.
26) How often do you Google yourself?
Never
27) How does your marriage compare to your parents' marriage?
I'm not married, but my parents were, right up until dad went to carouse in the Halls of Valhalla.
28) What is the last Anniversary gift you received from your spouse?
A big box of nothing.
29) Describe your spouse when you first met him/her?
Invisible … and pretty darned quiet. Which is kinda nice when I want to read.
30) What do you wish you had known/been warned about regarding marriage?
DON'T DO IT!
31) Is your spouse a good listener?
She never answers back or interrupts.
32) Have you ever been ashamed of your spouse?
She's never yet embarrassed me in public. Or indeed in private.
33) Do you and your spouse exercise together?
Nobody wants to see me nekkid and sweaty in my gym; not even an imaginary girl.
34) Is it okay for spouses to keep secrets?
Mine's kept all hers so far.
35) Does your spouse do a good job communicating his/her needs to you?
She's not a great communicator. Perhaps we need an Ouija board.
36) What do you consider flirting?
Flirting.
37) What's the last mean thing you said to your spouse?
I've never said a mean word to my non-existent spouse. I'm a nice guy.
38) What's the last mean thing that your spouse said to you?
If she says mean things I've not heard them.
39) Would your friends say that you are happily married?
No, they'd say that I'm a sad, middle-aged creepy guy who lives all alone in a ramshackle building resembling a Dickensian bookshop that crashed into an art gallery, careened off a music shop and has a bed somewhere in an upper room. I also have bats in my back yard. Little wonder women stay well away.
40) Would you say you're happily married?
No, I'm just sitting here filling in time, waiting for death and doing a meme.
41) Describe your first kiss with your spouse.
So soft I didn't notice it.
42) What do you believe should NOT be done in public?
Putting paint all over yourself and pretending to be a statue.
43) What is the worst emotional state a person can be in?
Shitfaced and maudlin and boring me to death, especially when you're my boss … yes, Emily, I mean you.
44) Do you fake things? If yes, give examples.
This entire blog. Cool huh?
45) How many times a week do you exercise?
Three times; fifty minute workouts. Plus a whole lot of walking. If farting in the bath counts as exercise I did that this morning. Sorry; octopus krasato the night before can do that to a man.
46) Finish this sentence: I feel loved and cared for when....
… next door's three cats are hungry.
47) Whose marriage do you most admire?
Morticia and Gomez Addams.
48) If your spouse gave you one free pass to have sex with another person, who would it be?
Alina Ibragimova.
49) If you gave your spouse one free pass to have sex with another person, whom would your spouse choose?
I just asked her but she didn't say.
50) Do you and your spouse find the same things funny?
I have no way of finding out, but she never laughs at my jokes.
51) What is the most memorable place that you ever had sex?
I don't recall.
52) Do you and your spouse agree how to educate your children about issues such as drug and alcohol use?
She lets me drink too much. She also lets me design schools, so if the next generation is as fucked up as I am you can blame her.
53) Do you get along with your in-laws?
Better than you could possibly imagine.
54) What is the last loving thing you said to your spouse?
If I ever get a spouse I'll think of something and let you know.
55) What's the last loving thing your spouse said to you?
She's pretty quiet with that stuff.
56) What's your favorite movie?
Currently, Doctor Strangelove.
57) How often do you quarrel with your spouse?
Never.
58) What's the sexiest book you've ever read?
The Diary of Samuel Pepys (the funniest sex scenes ever written; even more so as they are true … f'rinstance when his wife finds him with the maid on his lap, one hand down her top and the other "fingering her cunny" and he tries to talk his way out of it).
59) Describe the moment you knew your spouse was "the one."
I'll let you know if it ever happens. At the moment, she's not even "A one", let alone "THE one".
60) Describe a situation where your spouse let you down.
She's never there when I want sex. Just as well, really, as I'd probably get cramp or put my back out or have a heart attack.
61) What do you think of the current trend of couples divorcing based on the couples feeling more like roommates than lovers?
I had no idea that was a trend, and I can't really say I care.
62) When was the last time you flirted with someone other than your spouse?
This morning. The blonde woman in the bedding department at Jarrold's. But then I'm a regular customer (addicted to goosedown pillows and high thread count Egyptian cotton bedding) and we've been doing that for years, so I suppose it's more jokey than flirting.
63) What does it mean to be good?
I don't know. I've always hovered between great and amazing.
64) Write a letter to your first child saying what you can't say in person.
Hey, kid! Where the hell are you?
65) Describe something you wouldn't admit to your best friend.
My best friend sometimes needs to wash more.
66) List some things you wish you could stop doing but can't.
1) living alone;
2) finishing the bottle;
3) starting another;
4) this meme.
67) Describe a cliche of parenthood that took you by surprise.
Nothing surprises me. All children are born ugly and grow up evil. Except me. I was beautiful and now I'm a wonderful person.
68) Was your second pregnancy different than your first?
Turned out I was just fat. Again.
69) How much money would it take to be happy and does money make it easier to stay happily married?
I have no idea; I've never had enough money to even be miserable, let alone happy. If I HAD money, however, I would certainly not get married; I'd spend it on riotous living and loose weemen.
Actually, I'm too boring for that; I'd spend it on books.
70) Is marriage a dictatorship or a democracy?
Marriage is a disaster waiting (usually not long) to happen.
71) If you had to explain marriage to an alien who had just arrived on earth, what would you say?
Screw marriage! Hand over the keys to your spaceship, you little green fucker. NOW!
72) If someone asked you to share a life lesson that you learned in your 40's, what would it be?
I don't remember my forties.
73) Define passion in one sentence.
It's a kind of fruit.
74) What did you imagine falling in love would be like when you were young?
A whole lot better than it actually turned out to be.
75) Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your child/children about romance?
Steer clear of the opposite sex; steer clear of the same sex; steer clear of animals and most inanimate objects.
76) Give three reasons people should stay married.
1) Spite.
2) Imbecility.
3) As an aid to illegal immigration.
77) Give one reason people should get divorced.
1) Sanity.
78) Have you had romantic feelings in the past year for someone other than your spouse?
Not really. I seem to have lost the knack over the decades.
79) Have you had sexual fantasies in the last year about a person other than your spouse?
Far less often than perhaps I should, but then why bother?
80) Are you an advocate of gay marriage?
Absolutely; everyone should have the same right to fuck up their lives.
81) Has your life turned out the way you thought it would?
No. I thought there'd be flying cars and I'd live on the moon. Also I never thought I'd develop a taste for beetroot.
82) List three things a spouse would do that you would find unforgivable?
1) Leave the towel askew.
2) Put an open book face down on a surface.
3) Watch reality TV.
83) Write a letter to your spouse telling him/her what you can't say in person.
Dear Imaginary Girl,
Much as I'd like the occasional cuddle, I realise having filled in this meme that you're pretty groovy just the way you are.
In the words of Murph (of the Magictones): "Don't go changin'."
Friday, November 09, 2012
Modern Times (Again)
As my long term neighbours here in Blogville are well aware, I am a patient and easygoing man, rarely given to splenetic ranting. Certain things about this modern world, however, have been known to confound me to such an extent that I am pushed to verbal retaliation; the inexorable rise of the mobile telephone, for instance.
Just lately I have noticed another unfortunate trend (oh, and don't get me started on those 'trendy' morons who misuse the word 'trend' as a verb; they deserve to have their tiny dinosaur brains ripped out through their anuses by hordes of ravening mutant mole-rats and I am currently working on a viable method of achieving this, so watch out).
No, the trend of which I speak - yet another irreversible and slippery step downward into the fœtid morass of cultural despair in which we helplessly flail - comes from the users of touch-screen mobile devices, who are now so inured to mindless, chimp-like finger-painting on their imbecile micro-screens that they become confused when faced with a professional using a real screen to produce real work.
Listen up (you know who you are): keep your filthy, arse-scratching, smeary, nose-picking, greasy, food-covered, stinking, mayonnaise-smirched, fat fucking fingers off my nice clean monitor screens, you unutterable bastards!
Message ends.
Just lately I have noticed another unfortunate trend (oh, and don't get me started on those 'trendy' morons who misuse the word 'trend' as a verb; they deserve to have their tiny dinosaur brains ripped out through their anuses by hordes of ravening mutant mole-rats and I am currently working on a viable method of achieving this, so watch out).
No, the trend of which I speak - yet another irreversible and slippery step downward into the fœtid morass of cultural despair in which we helplessly flail - comes from the users of touch-screen mobile devices, who are now so inured to mindless, chimp-like finger-painting on their imbecile micro-screens that they become confused when faced with a professional using a real screen to produce real work.
Listen up (you know who you are): keep your filthy, arse-scratching, smeary, nose-picking, greasy, food-covered, stinking, mayonnaise-smirched, fat fucking fingers off my nice clean monitor screens, you unutterable bastards!
Message ends.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Car Porn Thursday - Maz
Welcome to Car Porn Thursday!
Today we're bemoaning the general decline in design; that vertiginous drop in the standard of taste and style over the past fifty years, the self-evident proof of which can be seen by simply opening your eyes and gazing sadly at today's clothing, popular media, manners, politics, business and, of course, automobile design.
This is what a Maserati looks like. The company has lost the plot completely and today builds something that looks like everything else, only slightly uglier. And they're not alone, as future Thursdays will amply demonstrate.
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Wednesday Window
Hey Ho
Just think of what could have been done with the money they spent splitting the country irreconcilably in two had they thought to say that back at the start.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Meanwhile, Back in the Real World …
Instead, lets all just sit calmly and listen to what the tree has to say.
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