Look Up. Pt.4

I suppose this should really be Part 4a as Rich has already done Part 4.
But I'll press on with it anyway.
This time I'm in The City. No lovely lakes and rolling parkland here, like in my beloved Westminster; just nasty hard surfaces everywhere.
Yet quaintness and oddity can still be found.

Witness this strange little round room on the roof of the Bank of England. It's right round the back, where you would not normally look for strange little round rooms on the roof; especially not a strange little round room with an extravgantly tacky gold crown and corinthian capital stuck on top of it. Why is it there? What is it for? Is it where the Queen goes to sit and count her money? Buggered if I know …

Down at the other end of Threadneedle Street (originally named "Gropecunte Lane" - true) sits the Gibson Hall, festooned with a cornucopia of odd statuary; including these two gentlemen, sitting on either side of an unfeasibly large egg and apparently symbolically masturbating onto the crowds below.

The right hand gentleman seems inordinately pleased with himself. That has to be one of the silliest grins I have seen on a statue.

And speaking of silly; just across the road from our onanistic duo, you can look up and see Richard Rogers' splendidly silly Lloyds' Insurance Building, paid for by the small print on your insurance form.

Apologies for the fact that I took these on Monday evening and am not in London at all but working from home today. So it's another crappy filler post.
Some days I just can't be arsed to think of anything to say.
Hey ho.

Groover's Meme Redux (The Director's Cut)

Fucking Hell, Groover!
Take the original "One Word Only" meme.
Using the same answers you gave, expand each one to five sentences.

Groover actually has a life, so she only filled in a random seven of the buggers.
But I am a sad bastard, so I will do the whole damned lot.
Brace yourselves.
And no carping that some of these are not true sentences.
This is my blog; if I say it's a sentence, it's a sentence.

Right.
Strap in. Here goes:

1. Yourself: Dorky
Well this one doesn't really need five sentences to explain it.
What can I say?
I'm forty-eight years old, fat, ugly, balding and single.
I am crap at life.
Ergo: I am a dork.

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Cute
Insufferably cute.
Her smile is cute.
Her laugh is cute.
Her butt is cute.
Hell, every damned thing about her is cute.

3. Your hair: Escaping
Yeah, it's been sneaking away for years.
It started by creeping further and further up my forehead.
Then, one awful day in a bank in London, I saw myself from behind on the cctv monitors and realised a whole bunch of my hair had leapt off the back of my head when I wasn't looking.
So I'm mister bald patch now.
Arse!

4. Your mother/stepmother: Cakey
Some of you know my Mum.
She's retired now, but bakes and decorates cakes.
She's extremely good at it.
Have a look for yourself.
I get to eat a lot of cake.

5. Your dog: Dead
Yup.
Long dead.
Bruno.
He was great.
But he's not any more.

6. Your favorite item: Guitars
Or more specifically, my old Gibson Les Paul.
We've been together now since 1969.
We've played countless gigs and sessions together and – much as I love all my other guitars - that old Les is my lifelong friend and confidante.
I like to sit at the foot of the stairs and play it unplugged; or more accurately, to simply relax and see what happens; more of an improvised conversation with an old companion than actually playing anything specific.
Sometimes, feelings come out in the music that I could never say in words; in our musical conversations I've told that guitar things I could never reveal to another person … even to myself.

7. Your dream last night: Her
Kind of a drippy dream, I'm afraid.
Lots of holding hands.
Gazing into one another's eyes.
Kissing (a lot).
Lost in love.

8. Your favorite drink: Water
Actually I love scotch.
I love wine
I love beer
I love green tea
I love coffee … but mostly I drink water.

9. Your dream car: Spyder
The old Porsche Spyder.
You know, the type James Dean died in.
There's a company not far from here that makes beautiful replicas.
I almost bought one after the Goodwood Revival vintage racing car meet last year.
I'm going again this year …

10. The room you are in: Office
Actually, my home office today.
You've all seen it on my posts.
Having said that, when I filled in the original meme I was in my London office.
You've seen that one as well.
Hell, it's hard enough to find ONE thing to say about my office; let alone five whole sentences.

11. There is no number eleven. Check your calculator; it doesn't exist.

12. Your fear: Decaff
Ew … Brrrrr … Decaff.
Pure evil in a mug.
Coffee with all the joy taken out of it.
Don't EVER offer me decaff … you wouldn't like me on decaff.
I NEED MY CAFFEINE!

13. What you want to be in 10 years: Sated
Yup. I'll probably be dropping dead sometime around then.
So I want to go out totally satisfied and having had as much enjoyment as I can possibly take.
Which is going to make the next ten years kind of fun, as at the moment I am pretty much unsatisfied with everything in my life.
So bring it on!
Satisfy me!

14. Who you hung out with last night: Her
Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
Last night, too; as well as the night before the original meme.
We talked a lot.
We cooked.
Some rudery inevitably crept in.

15. What you're not: Dead
So far.
Though I've lived most of my life, so it's coming.
I don't mind at all; I'm not religious; I know there's no afterlife.
When you're dead, you're dead; like roadkill, only bigger.
I can't see why people have a problem with it.

16. Muffin: Mule
Hell, that ages me!
I never ate a muffin until two Saturdays ago.
They seem to have insinuated their way across from America over the past decade or so.
We never saw then before that.
I was most disappointed to find that it was just a bun.

17: One of your wish list items: Superpowers.
Yaaaay … anyone who could be arsed to click on the link will know what my superpower is.
Though you have to scroll down the old post past a lot of crap about the Game of Scunthorpe to find out.
If anybody is in need of my superpower, just let me know.
I'll come running (or more probably I'll use public transport) to your aid.
Any excuse to wear tights and a cape.

18: Time: Bed
Actually, it's 11:32AM when I'm writing this.
It wasn't bedtime when I wrote the answer to the original meme either.
I just like bedtime.
"Time for bed" said Zebedee.
Boing! (That'll confuse the Americans) …

19. The last thing you did: Type
Yup.
It's what I'm doing now, too.
Kind of a stupid question for a meme where you have to type to fill it in.
The last thing I did before I typed was eat a croissant.
I am a croissant pig.

20. What you are wearing: Cashmere
Actually, right this minute I am stark bollock naked.
I love working from home.
When I wrote the original answer, I was in my office in Westminster.
We don't have a dress code as such, but they do like you to be dressed.
So I had a cashmere sweater on (amongst other things) as I like cashmere; it doesn't itch.

21. Your favorite weather: Spring
Spring weather is lovely.
Warm, but not too warm
Sunny, but with those little fluffy clouds you get at the start of The Simpsons.
Rainy, but nice little showers.
Autumn's nice, too, but Summer and Winter suck ass.

22. Your favorite book: All
You know me and books.
My house is sinking under the weight of many thousands of 'em.
My name is Dive and I am a biblioholic.
My Mum used to say (before she knew better), "Just how many books do you need?"
To which I would answer, "All of them."

23. The last thing you ate: Croissant
That's true of today, as well as the original meme.
I like croissants.
They are perfect with a latte in the morning.
Nothing on them; just a plain croissant.
I love tearing them up and stuffing them into my mouth.

24. Your life: Groovy
Intercoursingly groovy!
I live in a beautiful village on the Norfolk Broads.
I have a dream job in Westminster that I love, and which also lets me work from home.
I love my family and friends.
Somebody very special loves me.

25. Your mood: Perky
Yup, still perky today.
I suppose the answers to the previous questions should give you a hint as to why.
But especially the last sentence of the five.
The Lovely Betty posted about Pinky and Perky the other day, which brought horrific memories flooding back.
My brother had the very same wallpaper she describes, which explains a lot.

26. Your best friend/s: Musicians
Well, musicians and artists actually, though mostly musicians.
Oddly enough, the one exception is a librarian, which kind of ties in with my bibliomania.
Musicians make great friends.
They also drink a lot.
Which can be fun.

27. What are you thinking about right now? Her
Inevitably, I still am.
And now.
And now.
And now.
And I have no intention of stopping.

28. Your car: Black
Yup, black.
And tiny.
And nippy.
And cute.
None more black.

29. What are you doing at the moment?: Skiving.
When I answered the original meme I was in the office, doing it in office time.
Now I am filling in this much longer version in my home office.
Time here is much more flexible, as I have an extra seven-and-a-half hours every day when I'm not commuting.
So I can apportion my time how I want, as long as I get a full day's work done.
I have decided that this is an extended coffee break, so this time I am not skiving.

30. Your summer: Sultry
I hate Summer.
Sultry is too damned uncomfortably hot and sticky.
And I get hay fever too, which stinks.
And the fucking lawnmowers never stop.
Roll on Autumn.

31. Your relationship status: Complicated
I think that's probably the best word to describe it.
Which is why you won't find out much more about it.
Until, that is, things become less complicated.
Then I/we can tell you everything.
Except the rude bits, which you can fill in for yourselves.

32. What is on your TV?: Nothing
Nothing on top of it; nothing on the screen.
I didn't have a telly for fifteen years; I had a life instead.
Now I've just got one to watch the news at five in the morning and to watch DVDs of old movies.
When the stupid government switch off the analogue signal in a year or so, I will bin the stupid thing.
I much prefer radio, and I can watch DVDs on my Mac, so bollocks to telly.

33. What is the weather like?: Sunny
It was indeed sunny when I answered the original meme.
Now it's that typically British Tupperware sky.
Just a dull, uniform off-white blah.
I prefer sunny.
But I live in England, so sunny is a nice occasional bonus, like finding a bar of chocolate you didn't know you had.

34. When is the last time you laughed?: 1974
Actually I kind of exaggerated the answer to this one.
The last time I laughed out loud with any sense of genuine hilarity was when I read Lynn's comment on yesterday's "vibie" post.
I laughed until the tears rolled down my aching cheeks.
Thank you, Lynn.
Laughing like that is good for the soul.

Vibies Are A Girl's Best Friend

Okay, so we got a little off-message toward the end of yesterday's comments and we wound up discussing vibies.

Guys: vibies are vibrators.
And if you're so sad and self-deluded that you think your wife or girlfriend "doesn't need one 'cos she has ME", then I - along with all the girls - point and laugh at you. She just keeps it hid because she knows you are so inadequate it would hurt your feelings.
My last girlfriend kept hers on the corner of the bath for the world to see, and I never had a problem with that. Indeed it came in really handy when I got a trapped nerve in my shoulder.

Girls need fun too. Don't get hung up about it.

So anyway; getting back to yesterday's comments:
Time for Dive to set a little meme-ette.
A quiz for the girls:

- What's the best sort?

- What colour is yours (and why)?

- Does hubby/boyfriend/girlfriend (Hi, Vic) know?

- Does hubby/boyfriend/girlfriend care?

- Does yours have a pet name (be honest), or is it just "the vibie"?

- At least one humorous (and true) tale involving your (or a friend's) vibie.

Go to it girls.
And remember: hubby/boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't read this blog so you can be honest … and, as you well know, I am not in the least bit prurient.
Enjoy.

Groover's Meme

Hey, I just nicked this off Groover's blog while she slept (I'm that kinda guy).

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.

Here we go then:

1. Yourself: Dorky

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Cute

3. Your hair: Escaping

4. Your mother/stepmother: Cakey

5. Your dog: Dead

6. Your favorite item: Guitars

7. Your dream last night: Her

8. Your favorite drink: Water

9. Your dream car: Spyder

10. The room you are in: Office

12. Your fear: Decaff

13. What you want to be in 10 years: Sated

14. Who you hung out with last night: Her

15. What you're not: Dead

16. Muffin: Mule

17: One of your wish list items: Superpowers.

18: Time: Bed

19. The last thing you did: Type

20. What you are wearing: Cashmere

21. Your favorite weather: Spring

22. Your favorite book: All

23. The last thing you ate: Croissant

24. Your life: Groovy

25. Your mood: Perky

26. Your best friend/s: Musicians

27. What are you thinking about right now? Her

28. Your car: Black

29. What are you doing at the moment?: Skiving

30. Your summer: Sultry

31. Your relationship status: Complicated

32. What is on your TV?: Nothing

33. What is the weather like?: Sunny

34. When is the last time you laughed?: 1974

Your turn.

Monday Melee

Is it Monday again already?
Time for Fracas Monday Melee .

1: The Misanthropic.
(Name something - about humanity - you absolutely hate).
This week I have been mostly hating everything.

2: The Meretricious:
(Expose someone or something that's phony, fraudulent or bogus).
BT so-called broadband … HA!

3: The Malcontent:
(Name something you're unhappy with).
My crappy fucking internet (dis)service provider.

4: The Meritorious.
(Give someone credit for something and name it if you can).
My brother, Phil, for finally tracking down Belgium's Carrot Museum (he'll be posting on it sometime this week if you're curious - right now though, he seems to be attempting the risible task of making Belgium seem interesting).

5: The Mirror.
(See something good about yourself and name it).
I haven't (yet) killed anyone from BT.

6: The Make-Believe:
(Name something you wish for).
A broadband connection that actually works.

The more observant among you may have noticed something of a theme to this week's melee. My normally crappy British Telecom broadband disservice has been disconnecting me every twenty seconds all through the weekend (if anyone wondered why I haven't been posting).
By the way (for those of you who know I believe the truth about something can be discovered in its anagrams) an anagram of British Telecom is "Besmirch Toilet", which kind of sums up the service they give me.

Look Up. Pt.3

And what the hell is this?
I had walked past this thousands of times as I headed into the City from Liverpool Street Station, but only noticed it a few weeks ago.

Nestled somewhat inconguously in the back of the churchyard of what surely must be London's best-named church:
- Saint Botholph's Without, on Bishopsgate -
is what turns out to be a restaurant.
It has some lovely faience work up near the roof (that terracotta tiling you can see at the bottom) and a bizarre Turkish-themed glass confection topping it off.
Odd …

Look Up. Pt.2

This one's for Helen.
On the north side of Gracechurch Street, just up from Monument is this set of rather splendid modern heads. Not true gargoyles, as they do not spout water from the gutters, but somewhat incongruous on a seventies office block façade.

Look up. There they are, glaring down at you.

I particularly like this one. This is how I feel when the alarm goes off at 4:40 in the morning.

What's the story with these, I wonder? They seem based on real faces. Perhaps the Architect's enemies or the board of directors of the office building itself … Any ideas?

They certainly spooked me when I caught sight of them.


More odd things from above the heads of Londoners later. I'm back in Norfolk now, working from home for the rest of the week. Woohoo!

Look Up. Pt.1

Wandering around London, as is my wont, and being mostly empty of brain, I often find myself looking up and thinking "What the hell is that doing up there?" (remember the beaver weathervane)?

So anyhoo …
I walk past this place an awful lot (not that I spend too much time cruising for little boys in tutus), but until this morning I had never noticed the gold monopedal woman trying to jump off the top.

Consequently, this will be the first in an occasional series of photographs of some of the odder things stuck high up on London's buildings.
And believe me, there are some extremely odd things up there.

Fuck The NSA

Here's a bit of fun:
Some dumb fuck with a crew cut will be reading this up in Yorkshire today, thanks to the title of the post.
I just want to say "Fuck off. You are not welcome here."

Today's subject is the delightful Menwith Hill NSA listening station just outside Harrogate in Yorkshire.
This - if you can't be arsed to click the link - is the world's largest electronic monitoring station, run by the NSA and responsible for "the signals intelligence and communications security activities of the US government".

Ever wonder where your emails go?
Ever wonder what that faint click was on your phone?

In total violation of EU civil liberties legislation and basic common decency, the NSA use Menwith Hill to monitor private (yes, private) telephone conversations, mobile conversations, emails and faxes plus a whole lot more, listening out for key words such as "bomb" or "bush"
(in my more radical days I would often include the word "bomb" in email titles to make sure they read it, on the assumption that if enough people did that, the twats would eventually get bored and fuck off home to America).
We have demonstrated and lobbied against this outrageous violation of civil liberties (and EU law), but to no avail. Menwith Hill is unaccountable, unlawful and undemocratic and amazingly, very few people seem to be aware of its existence.

I can understand why they needed the nearby Fylingdales early warning radar station during the cold war (though that is now being upgraded to become part of the farcical Star Wars defence shield), but Menwith Hill is illegal and immoral.

In case you think they're not listening to you, they constantly monitor all European post, telephone and telegraph signals, together with mobile communications and such corporations as ITT and RCA in the US.
Say "Hi" to them next time you call anyone.
Then tell them to fuck off.

Now you know.

Monday Melee

Woohoo! Monday again. I hate weekends.
Time once more for Fracas Monday Melee .

1: The Misanthropic.
(Name something - about humanity - you absolutely hate).
This week I have been mostly hating censorship by self-righteous fuckwits.

2: The Meretricious:
(Expose someone or something that's phony, fraudulent or bogus).
The government selling off the airspace used by analogue TV to the phone comapanies for obscene amounts of money and sticking us with inferior, limited bandwidth digital crap. When they switch off my signal I'm going back to not having a TV.

3: The Malcontent:
(Name something you're unhappy with).
Capitalism.

4: The Meritorious.
(Give someone credit for something and name it if you can).
The Groover, for having a cool haircut and a cherry red 335.

5: The Mirror.
(See something good about yourself and name it).
I currently smell of coffee. Sniff me … Yummy, eh?

6: The Make-Believe:
(Name something you wish for).
A horde of heavily armed, winged space monkeys at my beck and call.