For Utsav

Some porn for the boys …

Just a quick post for Utsav, as he has been coveting his neighbour's axe …


Click on it for a bigger picture, Utsav.
Photos taken this lunchtime in the studio. Please excuse the dust and grime; it's a working guitar.
Right, Here's the boring stuff:
PRS 44115; Custom built for Dive:
Brazilian mahogany body, Michigan "big leaf" maple top in vintage cherry sunburst; Brazilian rosewood neck.
On stage, it goes through a Mesa Heartbreaker (Boogie's 25th anniversary special).
It sounds so beautiful it tears lumps out of my soul whenever I play it.

That's the signed access plate from the back. They gave me a plain one to replace it as the guitar was ordered "to be played". PRS have 250 Brazilian rosewood neck blanks; mine is the 67th they've used. It's old, pre C.I.T.E.S. wood. When it's gone, there'll be no more.
Ordered in June, 1999 after much discussion about materials and finishes, it's dated 11/23/99, was delivered in December, 1999 and has had extremely heavy stage and studio use ever since.
I went for a mellow, wide flame-top to give the same feel as my old Les Paul, rather than the extreme and - in my opinion - tacky, over the top figuring the collectors go for.
Talking of whom, I cannot understand collectors who order a musical instrument then keep it locked in a bank vault. I hope they run screaming at the sight of all the wear and tear on this one (notice how I've knackered the gold plating).
This is the most responsive and frankly astonishing guitar I've ever played; and that includes lots of vintage Gibson's and Fenders - including my own - and a fair few Private Stock PRSs (which are never usually played and so don't develop the character that this one has).
I still love my old Les Paul more, but whenever I strap this one on; boy what a feeling.

Now wash your hands …

Coffee Machines … Aargh!

Reading the latest chapter of Robyn's wonderful novel, Maryann; padding round the kitchen, watching Alice try to figure out how to work the coffee machine (Robyn's eye for detail is as perceptive as ever), I'm reminded of a confused middle-aged man recently faced with caffeinated mayhem in my own kitchen and the growing realisation that my life is becoming a strange and sometimes spooky place for my addled brain to inhabit.

Measuring up for next year's planned house extension, I'm standing in the old kitchen, mentally sketching out the new one and making an inventory of all the storage space I'm likely to need.

Let's go through the cupboards …

Okay, I know I've lost the odd decade of my life ('85 through '95 is a complete blank, and there are other gaps, too), but I start emptying cupboards with an increasing sense of incredulity.
I must have cleaned around all this shit a hundred times, so why do I find, sitting and gleaming guiltily at me, five coffee machines I cannot ever remember buying?

Yup. Five (count 'em) nice shiny new Italian spurty coffee machines … and eight cafetieres … and an old percolator … and a selection of those octagonal aluminium espresso makers …

One of the machines is still in its box.
I have no memory of any of these things.
Mental note to self. "Okay, boy; you're getting old."
Oh, that's not counting the cute little octagonal espresso maker sitting on the worktop beside the bag of Cuban coffee beans. I actually use that one.

Now I'm not a gadget freak; I'm a purist cook. No girly blenders or food processors for me; it's strictly good Sabatier knives and a pestle and mortar. No stupid pasta makers or ice cream makers or bread makers when it's MUCH more fun to make stuff properly.
So why do I have a kitchen full of coffee machines?
A few phone calls to family and friends elicits no hope of finding a good home for any of these caffeine orphans, so off they go to the village jumble sale.
"Ooh! A coffee machine. That's nice … Oh. And another one … er … and etc."
You get the picture …

So … Do I sleepwalk to the shops and buy coffee machines? Is there a wormhole in my cupboards leading to the Gaggia factory in Italy? Is someone playing an elaborate hoax on a jelly-minded old man?

I'm keeping a close watch on the cupboards from now on. If another coffee machine suddenly appears I may start to scream.

I need a coffee …

Iraqtile Dysfunction Revisited

Me, I love excruciating puns, but what is it about the British and fart jokes?

Flicking on to the Beeb's news site this morning to catch up on reaction to the Iraq Study Group Report, I find that the BBC's "Most Read Story" today is "Flatulence leads US jet to divert" …

So much for political awareness over here …

I just can't wait to watch tonight's news, to see George and Tony try to look cheerful and upbeat about it all when they meet.
Tony has already done his comedy routine in the House of Commons. When asked whether he agreed with the conclusions of the report (all of which are diametrically opposed to his stance), he replied "Of course!", and tried to make out that we had misheard and misquoted him for the past couple of years.
Reportedly, a family of weasels is suing him for defamation of character.

Watch out now for his inevitable squirming attempt to distance himself from George, maybe as soon as today; probably by diverting attention onto the Palestinian question (he's so appallingly predictable, I'll say "I told you so" now to save myself the trouble later).
And without Tony jammed up his arse, George might become the source of some more of those bottom jokes we Brits enjoy so much …

Iraqtile Dysfunction

I've been waiting to use that title for months! God of bad puns smile down upon me.

At last! The Iraq Study Group Report arrives.

"The United States should immediately launch a new diplomatic offensive to build an international consensus for stability in Iraq and the region... Iraq's neighbours and key states in and outside the region should form a support group to reinforce security and national reconciliation within Iraq..."
Woohoo! Let's start to talk to Iran and Syria instead of threatening to bomb them back to the stone age.

"The United States cannot achieve its goals in the Middle East unless it deals with the Arab-Israeli conflict and regional instability."

Can't see this one working; the hardliners in Israel would go apeshit. Nice try though.
I notice they added an exemption:
"This commitment must include direct talks with, by, and between Israel, Lebanon and Palestinians (those who accept Israel's right to exist), and Syria..."
So no part in talks for democratically elected Hizbollah. Hypocrites …

"By the first quarter of 2008, subject to unexpected developments in the security situation on the ground, all combat brigades not necessary for force protection could be out of Iraq..."

Good news all round; not least for families of servicemen and women fighting George's personal vendetta. Still no timetable exactly, but a big step in the right direction.

"US foreign policy is doomed to failure - as is any course of action in Iraq - if it is not supported by a broad, sustained consensus. The aim of our report is to move our country toward such a consensus."

Splendid.
I like quite a lot of this report quite a lot.
Well done to all my blogpals who voted for change. I think the report shows as much about what's happening in the States as what's happening in Iraq.
George is still defiant, but even his close allies are edging away from him now, which is rather entertaining to watch.

The Idiot Diet

Stupid things to do on a wednesday, no.1:

Follow these instructions:
Having eaten nothing but pain for four days (that's the hurty thing, not French bread), and having not slept at all for four nights, get sick of being sick, drag your stinking carcass out of bed in the middle of the night, suffer a three and a half hour commute in the pissing rain, dash headlong across London, grab your usual organic fairtrade latte from the Brazilian deli, take off coat, drink coffee, look very confused, turn white and pass out on the floor.

Wake up in a shivering caffeine frenzy with a fucking great lump on the back of your head.

Drink lots of water and eat toast. Feel like a dork.
Your boss will not think you heroic for struggling into work; he will tell you that you are stupid.

That's today so far. Still shaking and twitchy. My head hurts.

Don't try this at home (or at work).

The Book Of Lego

Many and copious thanks to Peahen for putting all of this Godbothering into perspective.

She has just sent me this link.
I particularly like the little story under "Sexual Discharges".
And Oh, Boy! Leviticus 18:23 … (under "Bestiality") …

Go there and be enlightened.

Dogmatic Intolerance

Carrying on from Naked Starfish Buttocks, THIS is funny, but very very scary.
(includes the phrases:
103 uses of the most foul of the foul words;
promotion of being gay;
adults in underwear;
suggestive eye movement;
Catholicism promotion of plenary indulgence;
"We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."
"It's too big." ... "That's what Jesus said.").

And this; their scary justification for judging others:

As a FEW examples of His desire for us to judge:

Job 34:4 Let us discern [judge] (No, sonny; that's "Discern", not "Judge" … try looking it up in a dictionary) for ourselves what is right; let us learn together what is good.

Prov. 3:21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight;

John 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

Jer. 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness...

Phil. 1:10 so that you may be able to discern [judge](see note above, you dork) what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ...

Phil. 1:7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you [judge you]... (my emphasis)

Heb. 5:14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern [judge](he's at it again) both good and evil.

What? … I mean WHAT? …
Sorry guys, but try "Judge not, lest ye be judged thyself*", (and judged to be wankers).
Don't just pick sentences out of the Old Testament and use them out of context to justify your perverse fear of reality.
Go read the Beatitudes. That's God's Word.

*Life of Brian.
Apologies for rambling.
Still too bleurgh to post properly. I'll try again later.

Bleurgh

Still bedridden.

Just crawled into the studio on the way back from filling my water jug, to see who's about.

Someone has filled my sinuses with molten lead and is beating my face with a sledgehammer. And I still have a shivery fever. It's been forty-eight hours now, so it must stop soon (please) …

Hopefully I'll be back to normal tomorrow …

Naked Starfish Buttocks

Oh me, oh my.

Just pop on over to Cakey's site and check this out!

Many apologies to Han for nicking this, but I think we've got us a new game to play, girls and boys.

It's a website for "concerned parents" that strips film reviews down to simply ratings for sex, nudity, violence, gore and profanity.
This is even better than Joe Bob Briggs with his "Tit counts" and "Heads will roll".

I'll start you off with an easy one:
Guess The Film.

SEX/NUDITY 9 - There's hardly any nudity, but there are several very explicit discussions of sex, and, most importantly, a man is shown being raped by another man. A couple kiss while in bed, and oral sex is referred to and implied. A man is shown nude from the side (we see his derriere from the side and a hint of pubic hair).

VIOLENCE/GORE 10 - Several people are shot, some repeatedly, some at close range (heads, arms and groins are the main targets). Most deaths are accompanied by a lot of blood and gore. One man is slashed and stabbed with a samurai sword, but the most graphic incident takes place when a man is shot in the head, while sitting in a car. We see an explosion of blood and the car, as well as the passengers are shown covered with bloody brain matter. The resulting bloody mess actually becomes a story subplot, as the killers try to clean the car. The result is that the camera lingers on the gory details for a very long time. A woman overdoses on heroin and she is seen with a very bloody nose and foaming from the mouth. A man slams a very large needle into her chest, and she's shown sitting up with the needle sticking out. A man is raped, and we both see him and hear screaming. A few punches. A man injects himself in the arm with a syringe filled with heroin; we see the long needle pierce his skin and watch as his blood rises up and swirls around in the syringe (the camera focuses on the syringe for a while).

Or how about this one?

SEX/NUDITY 7 - A brief glimpse of several men's private parts: we see testicles, testicles and penises, and anuses; while we see patches of flesh, nothing is discernible in its entirety. Men are bare-chested in many scenes, and one man appears in a thong several times exposing his buttocks (we linger on the man's private parts in a couple of scenes). A man tears off his pants and jacket and dances around in a thong and bow tie in a few scenes. A man's pants tear and we see his bare buttocks a couple of times. Two female blow up dolls (one with very large breasts) are used as props in a stunt (nothing sexual is involved). Two men run through streets wearing just sumo belts. A man tears another man's diaper off (we see his bare buttocks). A man gets out of a hot tub in his underwear, which become transparent and we see his buttocks. Two men pretend to be masturbating with sea cucumbers and the cucumbers spray out a white liquid. Two men rub against a whale suggestively. A man is dressed in a penis-shaped suit.

VIOLENCE/GORE 7 - A couple of men punch each other in the head, neck and chest as they roll down a street in a huge shopping cart, while being pummeled by dust and debris from explosions on both sides of them. They end up crashing and get tossed into a street-vendor's cart. Cars crash into each other repeatedly, one is sandwiched between four other cars and eventually one ends up driving over another one and it catches on fire. A man rides a skateboard down a bowling alley and into the pins, then he does it again and other people roll bowling balls after him -- he gets hit by a few. Bare-chested men sit in a room attaching a electrical muscle stimulator to various body parts: cheeks, chest, testicles (we get a glimpse), anus (we get a glimpse of testicles and penis); they scream in pain each time the machine is turned on. Golf carts are driven into animal figurines breaking them, some carts crash into hills and turn over, some crash into each other, one flips over and a man is trapped underneath. A man tries to break a block of wood with his head (we hear the thud). A baby alligator bites a man's nipple and we see the teeth marks after he is removed. A man in a jock strap walks across a rope over a pool full of alligators, a raw chicken hanging from the strap, alligators snap, he falls into the pool, an alligator grabs the chicken, and the man runs out of pool and is nearly grabbed by another alligator. Fireworks are set off in the bedroom of a man and woman who are sound asleep, then they go off in a man's car. Men race and crash wheelchair carts through streets in a few scenes, and one time a man rides into an intersection and pretends to fall asleep. A man confronts a man who is shoplifting from his store and shoves him out the door. A man sits on a toilet in a store display and defecates (we hear him grunting and we see the result). A man flatulates and has a bowel movement in his pants: we see the dirtied underwear and watch a man vomit after witnessing it. A running gag has a man sneaking up behind other men and shaving patches off their hair. A man in his underwear crawls through a room-full of mousetraps and they snapped all over his body (we see welts and hear him yelling). A man jumps off a tree limb in a pair of underwear attached to a bungee cord: on one occasion, the underwear tears, and on another, the man dangles upside down (the underwear is stained with blood and feces). A man is shot in the stomach with a projectile beanbag, he is hit, falls down moaning and we see a welt and bruise later. A man gets under a large traffic cone and walks through busy streets somewhere in Japan; he stops at the down escalator in a crowded subway terminal backing up the line of people coming down. A man and a woman box: she hits him several times in the face and we see his bloody mouth. A man pole vaults onto palm trees, onto a table full of food, into a drainage ditch (we see a dead cat floating in the water), onto a volleyball net and off a pier into water below. A man is hit hard by a shopping cart. Several men dressed in panda bear suits do stunts: they tackle each other, pile on each other, and knock into things. A man tries to run on rocket skates, but he falls repeatedly. Men on roller-skates are thrown around in the back of a truck, as it drives around a parking lot. A man snorts wasabi through a straw and vomits almost instantly. A man is hit in the crotch with a mallet. A man jumps on a trampoline and runs into a ceiling fan, breaking a light bulb and crashing into the wall. A woman is frightened when she finds an alligator in the kitchen. A man skateboards down a railing and crashes onto the ground. A man gets paper cuts on the webbing between his toes and fingers (we see bloody wounds, hear the paper cutting the flesh and hear him yelling) and another man gets paper cut on the sides of his mouth and his nose (a man vomits after watching). Three men skateboard and bike on a ramp and they each fall a few times, and one crashes into a wall. We watch a few boxing matches, each ending with a knockout. We watch as a professional boxer beats up a man in a department store: The man ends up in the hospital, having to get stitches in his head -- which we see. Two men put tiny shrimp in their pants (we see their private parts; please see the Sex/Nudity category for more details) and go into the sea with whale sharks who try to eat the shrimp right out of their pants. A man is knocked over by a wall of water a few times. A man gets a tattoo while doing off-road driving (we see many bloody puncture marks on his arm). A man puts a bottle rocket in his anus and lights it off a couple of times and another man ties a bottle rocket to his penis and sets it off. A man falls into a cactus. A man urinates on a snow cone, then eats it and vomits almost immediately. A man kicks himself in the head. We see a man sit down to use the bathroom and another man comes into the room and pounds on him. A man throws a golf club into trees where two men are hiding, then drives golf balls toward them. A mountain lion bats at a man in a mouse costume. Two men fall through a ceiling pretending to be robbers. A man puts a toy car into his anus: we see him get an X-ray and then later we see the car after he has had a bowel movement. A man is shot from a catapult into water, and a man is caned on the bare buttocks. We watch a man urinate in his underwear (it trickles out). A crab bites a man's finger and he yells in pain. We see men being hit with debris from an explosion, one is thrown into the air, two run in front of a truck and are hit: we see blood on the windshield, a body rolling under the tires and a head coming out from under the truck (this sequence is done with dummies and very fake blood). A tiger jumps on a man and appears to be biting his neck.

Too easy, I know. Some of the reviews of kids' movies are the funniest of all. Check out Han's piece for an hilarious review of Spongebob Squarepants The Movie.

The best bit is picturing these dorks sitting in front of their TVs with their fingers on the pause and replay buttons, scribbling all this stuff down. Talk about sick!

Whingeing Git

I know, I know …

When a woman gets a flu-ey bug, she just goes "tishoo" very sweetly then gets on with her life.
When a man gets a slight chill, its's an agonising and terminal disease.
Well it is … Moan, moan, moan …

And this isn't some desperate excuse to get out of Ms. Mac and Robyn's "record your accent" game; though the sound of feeble croaking isn't how I normally sound.

Cough … hack … bleargh …

The band are going to hate me because they'll all be going down with this over the next few days. At least they'll get time off work; I'm just losing my weekend. Bah!

Moan … groan … buggrit and arse.

And my head is killing me …

I'm going back to bed …