Let's Make A Racket - XVI

Car Porn - Ligging

Day 4 of Car Porn Week combined with Let's Make A Racket XVI.
And a video, too!
Three posts in one!

So not only did we get free tickets to the Goodwood Festival of Speed this year, but Phil got to race in the Lotus 211 (more on that tomorrow).
And not only that … Because he's such a girly swot in the world of performance car paints, people want to ask his advice. He does stuff (through Lotus) with Mc.Laren and Aston Martin among others.
And those nice Nissan folk from Japan …

Pretty girls in sexy uniforms beckoned us through the barriers into the Nissan hospitality area, where we indulged heartily in the free champagne (except Phil, who had tea as he was at work).

This was what we were here for: the Nissan bods want Phil's advice on how to get a European spec, water-based paint job for this little beauty.

If anyone watched last Sunday's Top Gear, you'll have seen Clarkson race the bullet train across Japan in one of these (and beat it).
And if anyone's played Gran Turismo 5 Prologue you'll know that this is something pretty fucking special indeed!

The brand, spanking new Nissan GTR. Fuck, this is one fast car!
The paint's crap, though, so that's where our free glug-fest of Veuve-Cliquot came in.
The GTR is affordable, too (relatively); this little sweetie would set you back a mere £55,000 and it eats Ferraris and spits out the bones.
The photos don't do it justice. Once they get a decent coat of paint on it, the beast will look a lot nicer.

Anyhoo … While Phil was breakfasting in the "Drivers' Lounge", where we mere plebs were not permitted, Andy and I wandered the paddock.

Here's some porn for folk of my age and above.

The rather inelegant insides of a rather elegant Napier.

The front end of a classic Bentley LeMans.
This particular car raced at LeMans in 1929 and 1930 and made a glorious racket racing up the hill climb course at the weekend.
Yay!

And the back end of the new Bentley LeMans.

The rest of it.
It may not have the grace and elegance of the original but it goes rather a lot faster.

Andy insists this was not his handiwork.
(In case you can't make it out, someone has scrawled "Andy's 2nd Car" in the dust on the back of this rather pricey Ascari).

Getting back to Top Gear, Phil and I had a raucous chortle when Clarkson produced this very car and told us that as only 500 will ever be made, the likes of us are never going to see or hear one.
Well bollocks to you, Jeremy; we both saw and heard it. Hee hee. Two, in fact, as there was a white one in the Alfa display area.
And it is a thing of beauty.

Not quite so beautiful but still whizzy is the Bugatti concept car somebody had parked on the lawn.

A taster for the finale post of Car Porn Week: Phil's race.
This is the arse end of an RUF racing Porsche from the front end of Phil's Lotus 211.

Tomorrow will be fun.

In yesterday's comments box, Mme. Benaut complimented Goodwood House so I thought I'd post this rather unguided tour of the interior.



Dougie Lampton is the man on the bike and he was doing the same stunt live at the weekend.
Lord March appears to have a far larger carpet cleaning budget than me.

And I searched my archives for a car related racket in vain. The closest I could do is a crappy old version of Mustang Sally, so here it is.



Have fun.

Car Porn Week - Burning Rubber

Welcome back to Goodwood House for Car Porn Week, Day 3.

Let's bring things up to date with the Mc.Laren F1 car, raced up the hill this weekend by Pedro de la Rosa and some young upstart called Lewis Hamilton.

These suckers are NOISY!

I mean, when I took this picture my eardrums had been driven so far into my skull they met in the middle (luckily there's not much brain in there to get in the way).

Pedro pits.

There were loads of current cars and top Formula One drivers enjoying a weekend break halfway through the season.

Now we get to my favourite Formula One era, the classic racing cars of my youth.
Here's a sweet little 1967 Lotus Cosworth.

And here it comes, screaming up the track.

Watching hordes of these things racing their asses off is one of the greatest pleasures known to man and that's what we get every year at the Goodwood Revival Meeting (we're back there in September … look out).

Another insane car for billionaires to play with.
Fortunately, the nice folk at Mc.Laren brought this one here to race it.

Yeehaa! I love that aroma of burnt rubber and toasted motor oil.

Hey! Real porn! A naked racing car!
One of many historic Lotus Cosworths that Phil's company still race … in its birthday suit!

And here is its ballgown.

Talking of sex, this car SO does not need a couple of Pussy Galore-alikes draped over it to seduce everyone within a ten mile radius.
Part of Cartier's James Bond exhibition, the original 1965 Aston Martin DB5.

And a car that I have a real soft spot for, the nearest the Japanese have ever come to a beautiful sports car, the glorious 1967 Toyota 2000GT Roadster.
This very car cradled the sweet bottom of … sigh … the utterly beautiful Akiko Wakabayashi in You Only Live Twice.

Loads more tomorrow, but in the meantime, here's Andy celebrating the fact that he remembered to bring his Vaccination Certificate.

Car Porn Week - Dirty Stuff

Day two of Car Porn Week and we're getting down and dirty.

Goodwood has something for everybody (or at least every kind of car nut).
About a mile's trudge up a very steep hill brings us to the forest rally stage, where the cream of the world's rally drivers (actually, most of them are Norwegian or Finnish, the rest of the world seems not so disposed toward suicidal insanity) were having a bit of fun.

There's no possible way to type the noise of a rally car tearing off the start line in a cloud of gravel and dust, so I won't try.
It's a bloody good noise, though!

Vreeeeeeowm (together with lots of crunching sounds and a noise like trees screaming in terror).

More of the same, but this time in a Lancia!

And now in a Subaru with the camera held at a silly angle for dramatic effect.

Of course it never all goes quite to plan.
An exceedingly expensive little prang on the priceless vintage Lancia.
Oops!

For those of the non-gravelly persuasion, here's a taste of things to come later in the week:

Sir Stirling Moss fiddles with his … ahem … helmet at the start line for the hill climb.
The man is a true God of racing.

And here's some sex.
The new Alfa from the cockpit of Phil's Lotus 211.

And almost as sexy as that …

Leaning out of the window of her Maserati and chatting to the other drivers as they pass (yes, Phil got a wave and a smile) the world's only supermodel with balls: race queen extraordinaire and lead-footed maniac überbabe, Jodie Kidd.
Yum …

Car Porn Week - Prancing Horsepower

Hokay …

It's Car Porn Week over here at the Planet, so any non-motorheads out there had better look away now.

We'll start with something for that select band of bastards who have somehow acquired more millions than they could possibly know what to do with.
Need to pop down to Rodeo Drive to buy shoes?
Here's your ideal shopping trolley.

A W16 engine, kicking out 1,001 BHP, a top speed of 253.19mph, ten (count 'em) radiators, a price tag of around one and a half million dollars.
Add to that the fact that - if you put your foot down - it achieves a whopping 2.05mpg fuel consumption and empties the tank in under twelve minutes, but hey … if you can afford one of these you can afford your own gas company.

I give you the rather delicious yet undeniably silly Bugatti Veyron.

In fact I give you three of the buggers, sitting in a row.

However, should you not be a Saudi Sheikh, an arms dealer, a drug lord or a Halliburton war profiteer, something a tad less showy may be to your taste. Such as the other half of this rather expensive roadblock.

Mere millions will buy you one of these.

Pretty, aren't they?
A sweet little row of prancing horses.

This one costs the same as I could earn in three and a bit lifetimes at my current job.
Nice, though. Not flash like the Bugatti. Classy!

Here's the same car being refueled after its race. None of your girly pumps; a jerry can and a funnel is all you need.

Not the kind of exhaust you'd find down at your local dealer. But what a glorious noise it makes!

One of Schumacher's old horses got taken for some splendidly loud exercise on the track just after this.

My tastes, however run more toward these …
Classically beautiful … The Jaguar XK120.

More Jag sex.

But this is the reason I don't take the deeds of my house to Goodwood.
My dream car.
And there were a bunch of them for sale, fully restored.
I could have swapped one for my house and driven away …
Sigh …

Teaser Trailer

And so …
To Goodwood House, home of Lord March, patron of vintage and modern motorsport.
This isn't the Revival Meeting, where we dress up in period costume and watch racing drivers thrash the shit out of priceless vintage cars (that's in September … look out for more car porn then); no, this is the Goodwood Festival Of Speed; a more up-to-date affair, featuring today's top racing drivers and racing cars and sporting supercars from around the world, tearing up the infamous Goodwood Hillclimb course.


This is Phil, modelling a rather heavy sculpture of Marge Simpson's hairnet. And that's Andy with his back to us, trying to figure out how they drove those Land Rovers up there.

Some of you may recognise this little cutie as being one of the toys from Phil's Magical Kingdom.
Well, today it is here to be raced … With Phil in it …

Kinda like this …

A Phil's-Eye-View of the infamous and shit-scary "WALL".

Enough teasing.
This week will see a multi-post car porn extravaganza, culminating in Phil's hair-raising race, where he was joined by everyone from Sir Stirling Moss, through a bunch of top Formula 1 drivers to TV race-girl Vicki Butler-Henderson (racing the Tesla electric sports car; another of Phil's toys) and überbabe model and race nut Jodie Kidd, who tore up the hill just after Phil in her Maserati (that girl can DRIVE).

We had a rather splendid time.