The Guardian reports today that - due to a cock up by the Ministry of Justice - the Treason Felony Act of 1848 is still in force and that one can be imprisoned for life for advocating the abolition of the monarchy!
Woohoo!
Abolish the monarchy now! Burn down the Parasite House and put the buggers out on the streets.
Older readers will know my long-standing antipathy toward unearned and undeserved privilege and my righteous mockery of the Parasites, but now I find that I could be put in prison for life for it!
Yay!
Free meals, bed and board, a snooker table and an exercise yard. Bring it on!
Rather disappointingly, however, the article points out that an offence under the Vagrancy Act of 1824 has recently been repealed … that of "being an incorrigible rogue."
Darn it. At least I can justly claim to be actively guilty of a treasonable offence that carries with it a term of life imprisonment.
Kinda cool.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
It Is A Truth Universally Acknowledged …
Earlier this year, Joy tricked me (thank you, Joy) into the fœtid waters of interweb "romance," an experience that was truly alarming, horrifying, depressing and hilarious by turns.
Maybe over the holidays I might set down on here some salutary advice for any who may be tempted.
We shall see if I get drunk enough.
Monday, December 02, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Here We Go Again
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunset Season
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Ovation for an Empty Stage
I know you're sick of me gushing about the Britten Sinfonia but I've been waiting for this one for a long time.
As my own special birthday treat and to kick off Ben Britten's 100th birthday week, the BrittenSinf staged a concert that could have been programmed just for me.
No Jackie Shave this time around; instead, regular collaborator and guest director/leader Pekka Kuusisto took the reins for what he billed as a new kind of programming.
And it was.
But before we get to that (and my regular BritSinf fashion notes) here's something that Robyn and Eric are going to love.
No pre-concert lecture and chat this evening. Instead, a pre-concert concert in honour of Ben and Peter's lifelong educational crusade. We got to the theatre early to find the stage filled with a couple of hundred six to twelve year old kids from local villages, all in their school uniforms and noisily and chaotically excited.
They've spent all summer with the Britten Sinfonia, writing and rehearsing a tribute to Ben for his century and this was it.
They called it "Darkness and Night" and it was musically influenced by the final piece in this evening's concert, Britten's glorious Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings. The kids wrote the words, based on getting to sleep, dreams, nightmares, their impression of stars, galaxies, nebulæ and auroræ and finishing with sunrise. The Britten Sinf wrote and arranged the music.
So … Out goes any syrupy impression of cute kids' choirs. In comes an octet of the Sinfs: violins, violas, cello, bass and the lovely Lettie on horn, two vocal conductors for the kids and we start with a 400 year old polyphonic piece by Tallis before launching into the new stuff. The Brits have rearranged Tallis like John Adams and the kids are somehow able to keep up with the polyrhythms.
I can only assume it's because the kids are so young and not drilled into rigid conformity, but the Brits have written and arranged some seriously modern and difficult stuff and the kids are natural and PERFECT. They're bang on with all the cross rhythms, challenging and bizarre key changes, tempo changes (often different sections of kids at different times) and weird chromatic scales and harmonies that would send most "straight" musicians screaming to the hills.
Forty minutes of breathtaking pyrotechnics later comes the inevitable standing ovation. I remember Ben Britten and Peter Pears visiting my school when I was a kid and playing some weird shit but these kids took it all in their stride. Amazing! There may be hope yet for music education. Ben must have been grinning in his grave.
Right … Back to fashion:
As ever, the Britten Sinfonia relish the challenge of twisting "formal black" until it squeals. Best female of the evening goes to the second viola in a three-quarter-length diagonal cut wizard's cape with skin-tight black velvet leggings and strappy kitten heels.
Best male is split between tenor Mark Padmore in an immaculate midnight tux with black open-necked shirt, and Pekka himself in open black cardie, black tee-shirt, black baggy trousers and what look for all the world to be old-fashioned black wrestling boots.
Suffice to say, the clash of silk, lace, velvet, stripes, ruffles, trousers of all lengths and styles, dresses and skirts that could have been designed by aliens and shoes that definitely were means it's just another Britten Sinfonia gig.
Before we start, Pekka introduces things with a chat about the programme. He wants us to forego applauding until the interval and the end, even though - (giggles all round) - the stage will be empty both times. He wants the programme to read as one narrative.
We oblige.
Here's the programme in case anyone out there is as passionate about this stuff as me:
Nico Muhly: Three Songs for Tenor and Violin (with drone from orchestra);
Bartók: Fourth movement (the pizzicato one) from Quartet No.4'
Britten: "Now Sleeps The Crimson Petal" (the 'missing' piece of Serenade for T, H&S);
Erkki-Sven Tüür: Lighthouse;
Judith Weir: "I Give You The End of a Golden String" (Premiere);
Nordheim: Partita für Paul (solo violin with other violins invisible in the wings and the the soloist wandering off to leave an empty stage while still playing).
Interval - drinkies - chatties
Nico Muhly: Material in E-flat for violin and drone;
Bartók: Third movement from the 4th quartet (the lovely elegiac slow movement);
Berg: Kanon (arranged by Schnittke for violin and orchestra);
Pärt's Cantus in Memoriam of Benjamin Britten
George Crumb: God Music;
Britten: Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings (with Stephen Bell playing the "out of tune" natural harmonic first and last movements on a battered old valveless eighteenth century horn that looks like a short length of brass piping got cramp, and the rest on his beautifully engraved modern horn. Shiny!).
So … we have the brilliant Mark Padmore on tenor, Stephen Bell on horn, Pekka Kuusisto on violin, Caroline Dearnley on cello and the rest of the gang moseying in and out and looking sexy as hell.
The stage is all black and in keeping with Pekka's theme for the evening the musicians wander on and off as they're needed (beautifully choreographed), some walking around while they play. For the Crumb piece, the violins and violas sit cross-legged on the floor and play tuned wine glasses with their bows while the cello goes ape (luscious). Musicians play both on and off stage. There are five-string double basses (cool). The girl duct-taping the wine glasses to the floor in the interval gets her own round of applause (she came on in all black with hundreds of pieces of duct tape hanging off her clothing and methodically stuck all the glasses down), while Pekka arranged the music stands and gave me a lovely mischievous grin when he caught my eye. I think they're getting used to the baldy guy who cries a lot block booking the same front and centre seat season after season.
Anyhoo … I won't gush in my usual manner; suffice to say it was the gig of the year by a long way (in a brilliant year) and I wish I could find a woman who loves hardcore modernist music as much as I do because I want to SHARE this amazing stuff (and get laid)!
Next BrittenSinf gig features Patricia Kopatchinskaja, so expect me to sport a stiffy.
Nighty-night.
As my own special birthday treat and to kick off Ben Britten's 100th birthday week, the BrittenSinf staged a concert that could have been programmed just for me.
No Jackie Shave this time around; instead, regular collaborator and guest director/leader Pekka Kuusisto took the reins for what he billed as a new kind of programming.
And it was.
But before we get to that (and my regular BritSinf fashion notes) here's something that Robyn and Eric are going to love.
No pre-concert lecture and chat this evening. Instead, a pre-concert concert in honour of Ben and Peter's lifelong educational crusade. We got to the theatre early to find the stage filled with a couple of hundred six to twelve year old kids from local villages, all in their school uniforms and noisily and chaotically excited.
They've spent all summer with the Britten Sinfonia, writing and rehearsing a tribute to Ben for his century and this was it.
They called it "Darkness and Night" and it was musically influenced by the final piece in this evening's concert, Britten's glorious Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings. The kids wrote the words, based on getting to sleep, dreams, nightmares, their impression of stars, galaxies, nebulæ and auroræ and finishing with sunrise. The Britten Sinf wrote and arranged the music.
So … Out goes any syrupy impression of cute kids' choirs. In comes an octet of the Sinfs: violins, violas, cello, bass and the lovely Lettie on horn, two vocal conductors for the kids and we start with a 400 year old polyphonic piece by Tallis before launching into the new stuff. The Brits have rearranged Tallis like John Adams and the kids are somehow able to keep up with the polyrhythms.
I can only assume it's because the kids are so young and not drilled into rigid conformity, but the Brits have written and arranged some seriously modern and difficult stuff and the kids are natural and PERFECT. They're bang on with all the cross rhythms, challenging and bizarre key changes, tempo changes (often different sections of kids at different times) and weird chromatic scales and harmonies that would send most "straight" musicians screaming to the hills.
Forty minutes of breathtaking pyrotechnics later comes the inevitable standing ovation. I remember Ben Britten and Peter Pears visiting my school when I was a kid and playing some weird shit but these kids took it all in their stride. Amazing! There may be hope yet for music education. Ben must have been grinning in his grave.
Right … Back to fashion:
As ever, the Britten Sinfonia relish the challenge of twisting "formal black" until it squeals. Best female of the evening goes to the second viola in a three-quarter-length diagonal cut wizard's cape with skin-tight black velvet leggings and strappy kitten heels.
Best male is split between tenor Mark Padmore in an immaculate midnight tux with black open-necked shirt, and Pekka himself in open black cardie, black tee-shirt, black baggy trousers and what look for all the world to be old-fashioned black wrestling boots.
Suffice to say, the clash of silk, lace, velvet, stripes, ruffles, trousers of all lengths and styles, dresses and skirts that could have been designed by aliens and shoes that definitely were means it's just another Britten Sinfonia gig.
Before we start, Pekka introduces things with a chat about the programme. He wants us to forego applauding until the interval and the end, even though - (giggles all round) - the stage will be empty both times. He wants the programme to read as one narrative.
We oblige.
Here's the programme in case anyone out there is as passionate about this stuff as me:
Nico Muhly: Three Songs for Tenor and Violin (with drone from orchestra);
Bartók: Fourth movement (the pizzicato one) from Quartet No.4'
Britten: "Now Sleeps The Crimson Petal" (the 'missing' piece of Serenade for T, H&S);
Erkki-Sven Tüür: Lighthouse;
Judith Weir: "I Give You The End of a Golden String" (Premiere);
Nordheim: Partita für Paul (solo violin with other violins invisible in the wings and the the soloist wandering off to leave an empty stage while still playing).
Interval - drinkies - chatties
Nico Muhly: Material in E-flat for violin and drone;
Bartók: Third movement from the 4th quartet (the lovely elegiac slow movement);
Berg: Kanon (arranged by Schnittke for violin and orchestra);
Pärt's Cantus in Memoriam of Benjamin Britten
George Crumb: God Music;
Britten: Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings (with Stephen Bell playing the "out of tune" natural harmonic first and last movements on a battered old valveless eighteenth century horn that looks like a short length of brass piping got cramp, and the rest on his beautifully engraved modern horn. Shiny!).
So … we have the brilliant Mark Padmore on tenor, Stephen Bell on horn, Pekka Kuusisto on violin, Caroline Dearnley on cello and the rest of the gang moseying in and out and looking sexy as hell.
The stage is all black and in keeping with Pekka's theme for the evening the musicians wander on and off as they're needed (beautifully choreographed), some walking around while they play. For the Crumb piece, the violins and violas sit cross-legged on the floor and play tuned wine glasses with their bows while the cello goes ape (luscious). Musicians play both on and off stage. There are five-string double basses (cool). The girl duct-taping the wine glasses to the floor in the interval gets her own round of applause (she came on in all black with hundreds of pieces of duct tape hanging off her clothing and methodically stuck all the glasses down), while Pekka arranged the music stands and gave me a lovely mischievous grin when he caught my eye. I think they're getting used to the baldy guy who cries a lot block booking the same front and centre seat season after season.
Anyhoo … I won't gush in my usual manner; suffice to say it was the gig of the year by a long way (in a brilliant year) and I wish I could find a woman who loves hardcore modernist music as much as I do because I want to SHARE this amazing stuff (and get laid)!
Next BrittenSinf gig features Patricia Kopatchinskaja, so expect me to sport a stiffy.
Nighty-night.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
The Last Box Club
Like Groucho, I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member, but this one I can no longer avoid.
Yesterday I filled in an Autodesk survey asking me for some feedback on their 3D software and gave them a refreshing fistful of honesty that should help dampen their hapless spirits as much as their software dampens mine.
Their revenge came with the little line of boxes asking for my age. I happily and honestly ticked the one that said 45-54.
Today, however, I am acutely aware that I can now only tick the '55 and over' box. The last box in the line. There's nowhere to go from here; no more boxes to fill except the wooden one.
And so - miserable and pouting - I join the Last Box Club.
Fuck, fuck, fuckity fucking fuck.
Saturday, November 09, 2013
Saturday Statuary - Lippy and Slap
"Dude! You told me you were an expert with make-up an' shit.
That lippy and slap you sold me?
I mean, what the fuck?
Just look at me!
I can't go out without my helmet over my face.
Start running, dude, cuz I'm gonna whup yo ass!"
Monday, November 04, 2013
WTF Monday - Don't Question Authority
Mercifully, I was born rebellious …
… otherwise I could have spent the whole day standing in a corner of the car park.
Sunday, November 03, 2013
Obesity Epidemic Spreads to Vegetable Kingdom
Eww … Someone's grown a pumpkin the same shape as the folk you see in Mid-Western Wal-Marts.
Not content with abusing our own bodies, we're now abusing vegetables, too.
Er … a Tardis.
Don't ask.
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