Saturday, January 30, 2010

Hokay, Which Dumbass Ordered More Snow?

I've had enough of winter.
I got back from London last night to discover some bastard had dumped yet another load of ice and snow over Norfolk.

This was the village a few minutes ago.
Tis the season for silly hats and sunglasses.
Tis also fucking cold. Brr!

This was my winter jasmine, living up to its name when I got home last night (after much slithering and sliding; nobody bothered to grit the roads … again).

Tis NOT the season for driving.

Norwich only got a light dusting of snow, but it was enough to ensure people stayed away so we got the pick of the best comfy sofas for breakfast at Pret.

At least the low winter sun was nice.
This is the mediæval Guildhall, bathing in the morning glow.

Yeah, yeah. I know snow's pretty, but it can just bugger off to Norway or Minnesota or someplace where it's more welcome.
Roll on Spring.

Friday, January 29, 2010

500 Words XXIV - This Week's Sentence

This week's sentence is one for the bodice-rippers amongst you. Dip your quill in your inkstand and let fly with heaving-bosomed maidens and trouser-straining heroes and whatever other hyphenated characters might stew in your fervid imaginings.

The sentence is from George Eliot's 'Middlemarch'

It is:
'I suppose it would be unprofessional,' said Rosamond, dimpling.

The word 'dimpling' had me helpless on the floor laughing.

Indulge yourselves.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

500 Words XXIII - Story Time

This week’s sentence was taken from Alan Paton’s wonderful novel of apartheid-era South Africa, ‘Cry, The Beloved Country’.

It was:
‘Jarvis sat a long time smoking, he did not read any more.’

It seems to have stirred almost identical feelings in two of us (which probably just means we like old black and white movies too much), so settle in, film noir fans, and enjoy:

Lulu's 'Knowing'


Ah, what an opening chapter. I do love a good femme fatale and this one is a doozy.

Dive's 'Some Choices Are Not Really Choices'

Starring the identical venetian blinds featured in Lulu's story. Hee hee. Perhaps it's happening in the office next door.

Next week's sentence will be posted tomorrow. It's especially chosen for those who like simpering heroines in petticoats and wild-haired hunky rakes in tight trousers. Yikes!

Monday, January 25, 2010

WTF Mmmmmonday

Katie sent me this from the Colonies.

Mmmmm …

I shall have to add this to my pantry.
Colonial Kitchen 'Imitation Bacon Bits'?
Not just 'Imitation', but 'Artificially Flavored!'

My taste buds have fled the building,

If any of you have this hiding in your cupboards I would be most grateful to discover just what the ingredients might be.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Lunch With Lucio

And so to the Tate for a long awaited meeting with international man of mystery, intellectual culture vulture and prince of erudition, Lucio.

Click on us. We get bigger!
And note the Turneresque light.
Entirely deliberate – Ha!

It turns out that not only is he devilishly handsome but also completely charming, utterly delightful company and great fun, too. I can't wait for our next meeting.
For any who may not know and are of an artistic temperament, Lucio's main blog is over here. It now features some lovely photographs from his recent European travels.

Anyhoo, when at the Tate one must look round, and look round we did (after enjoying lunch, which Lucio insisted on paying for, bless him).
First up is a big Hoorah! At last, after a two year absence, my favourite Millais paintings - Ophelia and Maryann - are once more hung together in the Pre-Raphaelite Gallery so we started there. You can get right up close to these paintings and wonder at their luminescence and detail. Millais painted them into thick wet white ground with a tiny sable brush and managed about a square inch a day.

The Tate is always swapping things around just to confuse me. Yesterday my favourite Bacon (Study For Three Figures At The Base Of A Crucifixion) was out on tour but there was plenty new to gawp at, including the BIG Hockneys in their own room. Well impressive!

The spooky Cholmondeley Sisters were there, bonkers and sad as ever. I always stop off to say hello to them. Also Robyn's infamous man with no trousers.

But the main reason we were there was the big 'Turner And The Masters' show.
Go see it. But more importantly, go see what they've done to fill the gaps taken by the paintings in the main show.
By removing all of the big early classical scenes from the Clore Gallery (the home of the Turner Collection) to put with the Titians and Canalettos et al in the big show, those lovely people at the Tate have unwittingly given us an even better show.
And it's FREE!

The Clore Gallery is currently filled with room after room of late and unfinished Turner masterworks; the insane, passionate orgasms of light that most ascribe to failing sight and galloping senile dementia.
A breathtaking display that is easily the best art exhibition anywhere on the planet this year.

Lucio and I were transfixed. We were like kids in a candy shop. Everywhere we looked was a masterpiece of colour and light: Turner at the pinnacle of his power. We stalked from room to room stopping to gasp in awe at the sheer numbers and mind-blowing intensity of emotion on display, getting increasingly worked up in our own passionate enthusiasm (lots of splendid arm-waving and expostulation - yay).

Whole months worth of glorious Turner sunsets are on display that have never been gathered together before. Getting up close and personal we were overwhelmed by the sheer insanity of his palette knife work. Lucio said that he was painting not light but luminescence and he was right. And Turner was painting it in a way that nobody had done before, or indeed since.
At the centre of a massive sunset, the very last stroke of one painting was the sun itself. We could see how carefully he had mixed the color; an intense custardy, egg-yolk yellow infused with tints of crimson; but then he had simply thrown it onto the canvas with one big splat of the palette knife. And it was perfect! Such passion, such confidence were awe-inspiring. And to paint this way in the 1830s, long before Monet seems amazing to us. Dozens of mad, bright, brilliant canvases assailed us everywhere we looked.

One painting in particular I had never seen in the Clore or indeed anywhere else. Its combination of fine detail and unchained chaos gives the lie to theories that his later works were due to failing eyesight or the onset of madness. He could still paint in the classical style but he could also unleash himself in a frenzy of pure, undiluted passion.
It is a frankly astonishing painting.
Only a few years after Joseph Wright of Derby painted many a similar scene Turner let himself loose on the hellfires of the Industrial Revolution. The inside of an iron foundry at night, filled with BIG light and dark, massive contrasts of flame and deep shadow.
Down at the bottom right hand corner, taking up no more than a quarter of the painting, tiny, highly detailed figures of steelworkers huddle in the dark, dwarfed by mighty machinery, massive cogs and wheels churning and hammering in the darkness.
But where, in a Joseph Wright painting the crucible itself should be, in Turner's vision all Hell has broken loose … Dante's Inferno has come to life and leaps out of the canvas at us in an apocalyptic fiery furnace of coruscating light, molten steel, sparks and flame.
After such careful and lifelike rendering of the tiny figures cowering in the corner, the rest of that mad, incredible painting looks for all the world as if Turner has attacked the canvas with fistsful of lead white, chrome yellow and cadmium red, hurling great wads of thick impasto, shards of light, explosions of blinding colour at the surface before diving in there himself to attack it in a thrashing frenzy of intense screaming passion, a desperate fight to the death to render light and colour more intensely than the eye can ever see; smearing the glistening oils, slashing and stabbing with palette knife, clawing with fingers and nails (you can still see every mark), shrieking, possesed by madness and desire until at last collapsing, sated, gasping and spent on the floor beneath what is inalienably, even today, a shocking, daring, modern and completely fucking bonkers masterpiece.
Of course I could be wrong, but that's how it looks like he painted it.

I'm going back on Monday to see it again. Woohoo!

And that is only one of dozens of astonishing canvases on display. They won't be there much longer; when the big exhibition is over they'll be hidden away in the basement once more. Maybe in a decade or two, if someone has the vision and the money, such a glorious display of late Turners will be put together in a big, blockbuster exhibition. But don't wait up. It is there right now and it is free! Both Lucio and myself were privileged to catch such a magnificent moment. You'd be mad to miss it yourself.

So steal, maim, kill if you have to but get there!

Toodle Pip!

Friday, January 22, 2010

500 Words XXIII - This Week's Sentence

This week’s sentence is taken from Alan Paton’s wonderful novel of apartheid-era South Africa, ‘Cry, The Beloved Country’.

It is:
‘Jarvis sat a long time smoking, he did not read any more.’

Let us know why.
The usual rules apply.

Oh, and sticking to our literary theme, this reminder of the perils of incorrect spelling appeared on Engrish.com this morning.
I do enjoy the cute way that Japanese folk will wear any old crap as long as it has some English writing on it (the same way that I will wear any old crap as long as it has Japanese writing on it); the difference being that I can read Japanese whereas most Japanese appear to neither know nor care what English words are written on their clothing.
My favourite can be found in the archives of www.engrish.com and shows a sweet little toddler wearing a teeshirt emblazoned with the phrase 'Fuck Off!'

This young lady seems inordinately pleased with her own message. It's just a shame that the consistency of spelling is about as sloppy as the consistency of the message.
They got 'diarrhœa' almost right (they forgot the ligature), but 'feces' for 'fæces' is straight out of Webster, which is indeed shitty.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

500 Words XXII - Story Time

Woohoo!
A nice clutch of stories this week. Enough to last you through several coffee breaks.
So settle in, take that delicious first sip into your mouth, feel the caffeine hit the spot and let us tell you a story or two.

This week's sentence was taken from John Steinbeck's 'Cannery Row.'

It was:
'It was not so interesting driving at night.'

No more ado; here are this week's tales:

Vanda's 'Trabant Chronicles'


A first for 500 Words: a non-fiction piece. And what a wonderful treat it is.
A delicious reminiscence of the delights of childhood stolen from under the glare of Soviet dictatorship, and featuring one of the most truly bizarre and lovable cars ever made.
Thank you, Vanda. More, please!

Todd's 'Sign Of Anger'


Ah, the wonderful and very weird mind of our Todd. He has such a talent for coming up with the unexpected angle and this one's a doozy.
I love the hero of the tale. This one will make your next drive an altogether stranger experience.

Lulu's 'I-635 LBJ Freeway'

The return of a favourite duo from stories past: that delightfully odd couple, Lulu and Lola. This time they're out on the freeway with a friend. Come and join them.
Gentle, real and lovely writing.

Dive's 'Things Become Interesting For Otto'


I love driving long distances at night, but it does tend to bring on a certain dislocation from reality.
Otto doesn't find it very interesting as a rule.

Monday, January 18, 2010

WTF Monday - Marxist Motoring Special

In honour of Vanda posting a delightful reminiscence (and awesome photo) of her father's lime green Trabant car (yay), the Eastern Bloc's finest motoring moment, today's WTF Monday will become Marxist Motoring Monday.

Way back in the dinosaur-infested mists of the cretaceous period when I was but a student, most of my lefty friends aspired to a Citrœn 2CV, or the Dursh as it was known (short for deux chevaux after its mighty 2 horsepower engine).
However, Western Europe's most left wing automobile was not commie enough for Young Dive the Marxist so I found myself with Norfolk's only Moskvich.

Woohoo! What an awesome car that was!

This is it (I only have 2 photos and I'm afraid both of those also feature Ming The Menstrual who I had just rather foolishly started dating, so ignore her ass and check out the glamorous vehicle of the proletariat).
The house unfortunately wasn't mine, just something I was helping a friend renovate.
But the car WAS mine and I loved it.

The mutant offspring of an illicit liaison between an old Austin Cambridge and a military truck, and built of leftover tank and tractor parts (at least it felt that way), the Moskvich was Moscow's answer to the Capitalist car giants. Not much of an answer if truth be told, but for left wing student cachet it was unbeatable. A sexy, sizzling, Soviet girl-magnet. Stop giggling!

My own Mozzie came souped with a 1.5litre rally-tuned engine with Weber twin carbs and a big chrome intake which meant it went like stink from a standing start but only got around 15 mpg.
Way too fast for its own good, it also rolled like a drunken cow on corners, thanks to the agricultural suspension. That spectacularly dangerous, blancmange-like handling, combined with brakes made from papier maché made it hugely entertaining to drive, especially on our twisty local roads.

The dashboard was from a Ford Edsel. The Russians bought up all the scrap Edsel parts that Ford couldn't sell anywhere else and I must confess it was kinda stylish inside in a very 1950s way.
Other oddities included a lever under the dash which operated an iron snow blind covering the radiator in case I wanted to start it up in Siberia, a bizarre security-locked ignition that had to be undone like a safe and some delightful little Art Deco theatre lights in the back which made rather romantic mood lighting for … ahem.

I drove it for ages and eventually sold it on (at a profit that would have shamed old Marx) to a Socialist friend who had a 2CV but craved more commie cred.

Sheesh!
If there are any more old crappy car stories out there in Blogville I think they should be told.

Friday, January 15, 2010

500 Words XXII - This Week's Sentence

This week's sentence is taken from John Steinbeck's 'Cannery Row.'

It is:
'It was not so interesting driving at night.'

If you have any idea why that might be, weave us a tale and reveal all.
You know the rules.
Have fun.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

500 Words XXI - Story Time

Brew up a coffee, sit yourself down for a few minutes and get comfy. It's story time.

This week's sentence was taken from Garrison Keillor's 'Radio Romance'.

It was:
'So what happened to Hoyt Buford?'

Dive's 'Lines On The 75th. Birthday Of Elvis Aaron Presley'

A muddled mélange of musician's memories. A story of real people from long, long ago distorted by the twisted and murky lenses of time and forgetfulness into a kind of truth only recognised in fiction and shabby dressing rooms.

Any other stories will be posted as they come in.
Next week's sentence tomorrow now that I'm back on my post-holiday schedule.


Update time!
Lulu has brought little Davey back to us in a delightful story:

Lulu's 'Bare Bear'

I think we've all had a friend like Bare Bear. I wish I still did.