Wherein we step aside from Norwich Castle for a brief breath of not so fresh air before diving back in to a sad tale of its decline from royal palace to gaol.
This doesn't involve Norwich at all but is so grimly entertaining that I simply cannot resist relating the most eye-watering death of an English monarch in history (at least to date).
After his ghastly father's equally ghastly demise from three months of continuous arse gravy, Edward the Second decided to continue what had been his dad's hugely successful war against the Scots, while at the same time keeping the French from his rear by betrothing himself to the two-year-old French princess Isabella. … as you do.
While in France, arranging his marriage, he left the country in the hands of his intimate favourite, Piers Gaveston, an act which outraged the barons as Piers was not "high-born". Gaveston had already been exiled once by Edward Longshanks for having too great an influence on young prince Eddie, and was exiled twice more by the barons after Longshanks' death, but Edward the Second kept on bringing him back home and the pair lived high on the hog, with the king heaping honours and lands on his favourite.
Prudish historians still argue about Piers and Eddie's relationship, but it's probable that they were lovers. Why this was considered outré in a king is a mystery, especially after King William Rufus and his gleeful buggering of all and sundry, but as my 1951 Oxford History of England went into gusts of splenetic apoplexy at Rufus' homosexuality I feel we now need a more tolerant approach and historians will hopefully soon acknowledge Edward the Second's bisexuality without judgement. Eddie married Isabella when she reached the age of twelve and they begat the future Edward the Third amongst others but contemporary chroniclers attest his love for Piers so I'll trust them rather than twentieth century bigots.
Eventually, however, the barons rebelled openly and chased Piers and Eddie around the north of England, forcing them to flee Newcastle. The king rode to York but Piers made the mistake of retreating to Scarborough Castle where he was besieged and surrendered on guarantee of his safety.
We know from past chapters never to trust a baron and so it went this time, too. Piers was given a show trial, run through with swords and beheaded, his body left unburied as he had been excommunicated by the Pope.
Edward the Second went apeshit and decided to take out his rage on Robert the Bruce, who by this time had recaptured most of the Scottish forts and towns previously lost to the Longshanks. Eddie was not his dad, however, and got his arse comprehensively spanked at the Battle of Bannockburn in June 1314.
The following three years saw terrible famine as crops failed across Britain and the rift grew between the barons and the king. Edward found a new favourite in Hugh Despenser the Younger and together they kicked baronial arse, while Queen Isabella now abandoned the king and with her lover, Robert Mortimer and a French army, invaded England from Normandy to take the throne in the name of thirteen-year-old Edward (soon the third).
Eddie was forced to abdicate and languished in Berkeley Castle, writing execrable poetry lamenting his fate. With Edward the Third crowned and Isabella and Mortimer as regents, poor Eddie was conveniently murdered, reportedly by the insertion of a red hot poker via a funnel into his "fundament", burning his bowels from the inside.
Whatever the truth of this sorry tale, the act was later gloriously immortalised in the name of one of John Peel's favourite bands, Edward the Second and the Red Hot Polkas.
Next time, things get grim at Norwich Castle.
Sources:
Norfolk Museums Service and the Norfolk Archæological Society
East Anglian Archæology Vol. 132: Norwich Castle: Excavations and Historical Survey: 1978-1988: Part 1: Anglo-Saxon to c.1345: Elizabeth Shepherd-Popescu: 2009
Gesta Stephani: In translation by K. R. Potter and R. H. C. Davis: Oxford Mediæval Texts: 1976
The Anarchy of King Stephen's Reign: Edmund King (ed): 1994
Norwich Castle Keep: Romanesque Architecture and Social Context: T. A. Heslop: 1994
Stephen and Matilda : The Civil War of 1139 - 1153: Jim Bradbury: 2005
The Norman Connections - Castle: Part 1: Norwich Castle: Elizabeth Shepherd-Popescu: 2010
Mediæval Norwich: ed: Carole Rawcliffe & Richard Wilson: 2004
Francis
Blomefield: An Essay Towards a Topographical History of the County of
Norfolk: Volume 3: The History of the City and County of Norwich: 1753
to 1775
5 comments:
I've heard the story Eddie Two, but not told this well. Oh, ow, these people loved being cruel.
Luckily, the alt-right don't read history, otherwise this would be in the US interrogation playbook.
ha, they have no clue about history or they'd know they're destined to fail.
Only Dive could write about Edward II's death and follow that with "next time things get grim".
Hee, hee and thrice hee, Pea.
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