Finally, A Use For Children

… at least for those of us who dwell in the Venn set for "curmudgeon" and "childless" …
Apologies to any parents out there whose screaming, puking, randomly defecating, destructive little monsters are their precious darlings, but I've made a marvellous discovery.
The other day, one of these wee urchins ran full tilt into me in the supermarket, resulting in a kneecap/temple interface situation and a screaming child laying on the floor at my feet.
I did what any self respecting childless curmudgeon would do; rubbed my knee and glared accusingly at the mother.
To my utter delight, she yelled at the kid, yanked it to its feet and made it apologise to the "nice man" (sorry about the "it"; I was trying so hard not to grin that I didn't notice if "it" was a girl or a boy).
Was it wrong of me to find this hilarious?
Now I'm not a complete ogre; I don't go around encouraging folk to knee children in the temple, because THAT WOULD BE WRONG (or so I'm reliably informed).
Yet the thought occured to me that perhaps if I stopped leaping out of their way when they hurtled toward me, an experiment might present itself.
The results so far have been inconclusive. Two genuine accidents (HONEST) have occured since; in one, a small girl clipped my shopping trolley with her head (hee-hee), and in the other, I kind of trod on a toddler (sorry). Mother number one gave me a look something akin to a lungfish with acute constipation, but number two scolded her bawling toddler and apologised profusely to me. A mixture of guilt and glee ensued. The experiment continues …

Apropos of nothing, I was listening to Radio 4's Farming Today programme last monday (Hey, I'm from Norfolk. It's compulsory. They ask us questions later), and they interviewed a guy from The Association Of Master Bakers.
Now that might look okay written down, but it's not something you expect to hear on the radio at 5.45 in the morning. It made my monday a whole lot better.

Now, are you ready for your homework?
(Sorry about those kids, I really am. They were genuine accidents, but I found their mothers' reactions so funny) …

Today's phrase you must use in your next telephone conversation: "my favourite brown cardigan".

Today's track to track down: Puddin' Fingers by The Handsome Family. This is a really early Handsome's track and one that doesn't include any of Rennie's sublime poetry. I just love it because it's such a chaotic shambles. Stick it on your iPod and try dancing to it in a public place. It's great if you like falling over.

Today's reading assignment: Get really drunk and read sections of Roget's Thesaurus out loud, slowly. Start with "dead" (361 - adj.) and you'll see where I'm coming from.

Today's fact: Walking backwards actually reverses time. Try it!