Monday, May 18, 2015

It's Hongi Time

For those of you who noticed my change of status on Fæcebook …

This is Amelia and me at a theme park yesterday.

And just to prove to the Office Children that I was not afraid to go on the scary rides, she took this photo of me …

King of the scary theme park rides!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Cousin It, Cousin It and Cousin It.
I have not the faintest idea what's going on in my life right now.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Benefits of a Classical Education

On the way to work yesterday I passed one of those sludge-gulpers … you know: big-assed sewerage pumping veehickles that unblock drains and empty septic tanks and the like?

It had one of those sunscreen things on the windscreen, bearing the legend "SEMPER NELLA MERDA"* … I almost went off the road laughing.

* For any who - unlike me - did not have to sit five years of compulsory Latin at school, this can be translated colloquially as "always in the shit".

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

If You're Gonna Take a Selfie, Why Stop at Your Face?

Hokay, so as selfies go this one is pretty extreme but it's the only photograph taken of me this year so I'm thinking of using it as my Fæcebook profile shot (or maybe not). It was taken by a teeny tiny Raquel Welch in a miniaturised submarine (for anyone who can remember the sixties).

Anyhoo … other than some minor medical faff and blather and some icky nasties that the surgeon put right with rubber bands, superglue and bulldog clips it appears that I am all mended and can get back to whatever passes for normality around here.

This, by the way, is a portrait, taken yestereve of my prominent Brunner's glands - something I was not aware of having until last night. As it's a whole lot prettier than my face I may well use it on dating sites.

One thing I learned about gastroscopies: when the surgeon pumps your tum full of air so he can see what's he's doing, you can't help but do the most AWESOME monster belches! Hell, if I could belch like that when I was ten years old I'd have been king of the school.

I also learned that it's possible to giggle with a camera tube jammed down your throat and to make a nurse crack up.

So … Let's see some of your own extreme selfies.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Meanwhile, In An Uncertain Universe …

Sheesh! Looks like I kinda forgot I have a blog.

My prediction for the year appears to have been fairly accurate so far.
First, my alarm clock told me to die.
Really! I looked at the thing last Tuesday and the date doohickey said "DIE". It freaked me out for a second or three, but I decided that maybe it had evolved its own personality and was entitled to its opinion.
It was only when it told me to "MIT" the following morning that I realised I'd dropped it and the thing had reverted to German. I'm keeping it like that so it can tell me to die every Tuesday morning.

So anyhoo … the crappy new year now finds me vomiting blood and pooing it, too, so I'm going to have my own live TV show: "Inside Old Dive's Squishy Bits" to find out what's going on in there. Best diagnosis is just bleeding stomach ulcers so that's what I'm rooting for. I'll let you know.

In the meantime, this (from the unutterably splendid xkcd) made me giggle disproportionately. I do love a good physics joke.


Thursday, January 01, 2015

Another Year?

Another one? Where do these bloody things keep coming from? They're worse than Reader's Digest.
Having received an unbroken run of five spectacularly shitty years I suppose this next one will follow suit and head straight for hell in a handcart.
Hey ho.

As for resolutions for 2015:
I hereby resolve to get older and bitchier, to be more cynical, drink too much coffee, read books, moan about politics, mercilessly mock religion, swear a lot, read more books, jest in a most unseemly manner, spend money I do not have, act in as ungracious and curmudgeonly a fashion as is humanly possible and generally to fail dismally at love and life; resolutions I am confident of achieving with flying colours.
Happy crappy new year, peeps.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Thems Is My Kinda Pastries

Many thanks to the lovely Drew of "The Worst Things For Sale" for pointing me at this awesome Christmas gift for the kids.
Drew is the man who brought the world this …

Merry Christmas, one and all. I'm off to make some festive fuck-pastries.

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Miracle of Christmas

 A very merry drunken family feuding season from the patron saint of disappointing gifts: Old Dive.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014